My friend Nancy and I were talking and with her assistance I decided to act. I have left the following text for M.
I want you. Put me out of my misery one way or the other.
Either way is fine with me, but dang, Tuesday night I’m on the floor on my back/side sewing a patch onto his couch (destructo cat) and he toes me in the butt. I turn and he’s standing there smiling down at me. I have to say it confused. Nancy said it was clear in stupid M language. I need to move forward one way or the other so either answer is good. I’ll let you know…
Last night M and I had a nice evening. We ate, we talked, we watched Spinal Tap and Pirates of the Caribbean (he had never seen either one). No moves were made on either part. I think I’m done here. The ball is totally in his court at this point. I still think he wants more (as do I) but I think right now we’re both a little paralyzed. Doing things different I think we’ve swung the penulum back to the other end completely. Perhaps one day we’ll find our way to the middle.
(artist: Jennifer Hewitson from Scott Cunningham’s Kitchen Witch book)
The coven doesn’t celebrate until tomorrow night but it’s all good. Harvest is harvest. What’s a couple minutes between friends. Feast time!!!
I have a date tonight with M. I’ve been getting confusing messages this past week. Then yesterday with the mild flirting. This guy. *laughs and shakes head* He’s so confused about what he wants and I think he’s afraid to really fall. But he’s cooking dinner at his suggestion and invitation, he wants me over there early (don’t know if that’s because he wants to see me or because he wants to kick me out early, I really can’t tell!), I’m bringing the movie and the ginger beer. He suggested Harold and Maude, I’m bringing Spinal Tap. Avoiding the romantic flirtations if I can. If he makes a move he’s getting a talking to and then he’s either leaping or leaving. Or rather I’m leaving because it’s his place not mine. heh. This time the pentagram is on the ring love finger. I’m going with protection. No worries, I’m not falling on my own again. (I only want consistency, see the Epiphany post, not a fracture. I can live with whichever way he wants to go, its all good, I just want to stop the push me pull you activity, no judgment)
The trees are turning.
There is an avenue of trees near my home, don’t know what they are but they turn bright yellow practically over night and all the leaves are on the ground in a matter of two days. They turn the fastest of any tree I know. So right after Mabon I’m driving under bare trees.
The other avenue, an old stand of some kind of ash that turns purple in the autumn is starting to turn. Love driving down this vista. Other trees are showing the red and the orange. We’ve had a good hard rain, lots of wind, and today will be 86 degrees. September is my absolute favorite month of all.
The corn is sweet and tender and almost gone.
The birds are starting to ask to be fed again.
The cat is putting on a little weight and her fur is suddenly thicker.
I’ve unpacked my sweaters but haven’t packed my summer clothes yet. The heaviest coats are still in a box but the transition has begun.
The gauzy scarves are hanging on the closet door, ready and waiting.
I have food in the fridge, my phone is turned back on, I’m calling my lawyer today about the car. I’m in the solution in all things and I feel fine.
I need to start with yesterday to tell this tale. Yesterday I discovered that I did not get the job that I was hoping for. Three interviews, told my references they wanted to hire me, then nothing. Over 4 weeks I waited to hear from them. Only to discover while online yesterday at the university’s HR website that I didn’t get the job. So far no email, no letter, nothing to tell me that they chose someone else. I had wondered over the last month how I would feel if I didn’t get the job.
I had two reactions.
I felt as though I dodged a bullet. What kind of people treat folks this way? I don’t think I want to work for folks like that no matter how desperate I am. Even if I got it I think I would have been out of there as soon as I could have been. I want to work with kind people.
That it was time to fully surrender. I’ve been parking my car all over the neighborhood hoping that if I got this job that I could get caught up and keep the car.
I’m so seriously tired of it all. I’m done. When I think of how far I have to catch up now that I still don’t have gainful employment, I just have to put up my hands and cry out, “Uncle!” The hole would be so deep that it would take me years to pay everyone off. I just can’t do this any more. I’m tired of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Done. If I borrow not one more penny and get rid of the car, I still have two years of paying off debt and saving to move ahead of me. So. Bloody. Done.
Today M took me out into the country for a nice long bike ride. Letting my body swoop and dip with the curves and the bike, letting myself be fluid. It was good to be on a bike after so long, to see things other than concrete. Things like mountains and trees and no tall buildings. Cows, manure, tractors, quaint little towns. And the river. We stopped on the Tolt River for lunch. His treat, gas and food. Grateful.
I had a very, very good and interesting time tonight.
There were police, twice. #1 was the fan who showed up drunk and started threatening the other guests. #2 was the restaurant owner next door who went after his wife with the kitchen knife and knocked over the coffee house tables on the sidewalk. She was okay but holy blades batman! Cops everywhere… The most active coffee house ever… Who knew. The full moon was LAST week.
Nice cozy friendly snuggles on a green velvet couch listening to really good music that M enjoyed as much as I thought he might. You know, his leg on my foot, brushing my arm as he gestures in conversation, that kind of thing. But not in a pushy way, nothing sexual, just a testing of the waters I think, affectionate, sweet. Very clear signals without making me feel uncomfortable because I must admit I feel once bitten twice shy.
More talk with my new friends, lots of photos, and they loved the pouch and will probably steal it from each other. Must make one more. I have an invite to visit them at their stone cottage in Ireland.
A motorcycle ride might very well materialize this week, perhaps Monday. If he doesn’t go camping. We’ll see. The hug at the car let me know in no uncertain times that there is still something there. Again, all gentlemanly, nothing to make me freak out. But a lingering lovely hug with his head against mine. Awwww. There is a difference this time. No flirting and a lot of questions about me which was a big change. His attention appears to have shifted from himself to me in the main and that is an aphrodisiac of the finest kind. Interested attention. And no nerves after the first 5 minutes, just comfortable in each others company. Which feels really, really good. The truth is I have feelings for this man. I must keep my feet on the floor for now. Head in the clouds though. R would tell me to tell him to go to hell. She did that months ago actually. See that was part of the problem. Her telling me what to do instead of waiting to see how I would move or decide. Feh. But you know what? No. I’m not going to. I trust my instincts today. And right now they’re telling me to keep investigating.
I’ve been having a lot of trouble falling asleep of late. Tonight might not be much different.
Stitch Witch Cottage 