Category Archives: Life in Love/Like/That Stuff

Why are we here?

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I believe that I am here to live as fully a human life as I possibly can. To love, to hate, to cry, to laugh, to rejoice, to find rapture, to feel pain, to jump into the lake and feel it all from my head to my toes. I’m not afraid of love and I’m not afraid of loss. I’m totally willing to risk it all for the greater possibilities. And nothing is ever a mistake. So what if I get a bit of heartache. I’d rather have loved than lost than never had loved at all.  It ain’t as trite as one might suppose. I am certainly not here to live in fear. That might be why you’re here but I’m simply not interested.  It doesn’t mean I don’t find myself afraid, but I don’t live there.  That is not where I pitch my tent.

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I think

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I met someone…  oooh

Waiting to see what transpires Friday night at the sobriety meeting and dinner afterwards before saying anything more.  But we had a good time last week and I look forward to see if anything might come of this…

There’s something about a pair of fine eyes and a bright smile to make your heart light.

Art for arts sake ~ For sale at rock bottom prices

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As I’ve mentioned before, the ex, Narcissus, got mad at me recently.  Because I got mad at him.  This is why I got mad at him…  (I feel perfectly legit in posting this since not only did Narcissus ask this series of questions in front of several of our dear friends who knew us as a couple and who know of the breakup,  some of them know my side even, but he did so on tape which was sent around the world to the subscribers of the monthly Jeshua transcripts.  And he got mad at me for writing about him anonymously in my blog, he was worried that folks would think badly of him.  I assure you Narcissus, I don’t need to do a thing for you to look bad, you did that well enough on your own.  In this case neither he nor I are anonymous.  And because of this last bit?  I care no more about his reputation in my blog. Smote him. Smote his ass. If someone reading this actually knows who he is they can choose how they want to feel about it all but it is not my problem. Why? Because we established recently the readers of my blog are intelligent beings who are adult enough to make up their own minds about anything I write.)

Jeshua: Beloved songbird, how are you in this evening?

Narcissus: I’m pretty good (Good. What would you speak of?) I’m trying to figure out exactly how to ask, or actually, I’m trying to figure out what I actually want to know (That is very good to have some clarity there; it does help) There’s been something that’s kind of confused me for a number of years with a relationship. I’ve got a friend that I’ve kind of off and on had feelings for, kind of had a crush and that kind of thing, but she’s married, and so I haven’t and I won’t do anything to pursue that, but I actually had a tarot reading about it yesterday and that cleared up quite a few things. But I was just wondering what the connection between us is, where it comes from, and like who we’ve been in past lives and stuff; it’s obvious we have Continue reading →

Healing from relationships

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It has been a hard time healing from this past love relationship. We have differing stories. He says I didn’t validate who he really is (this is very contrary to things he said while in the relationship, like “no one validates me like you do”) and I say that if he had spoken up and said who he was and what he wanted to do instead of being a yes man and then doing the no thing I wouldn’t have felt that he was liar (to me AND himself) and and and. Betrayer. He’s mad that I wrote about him in my blog even though I don’t mention his name or any details about who he is. He is afraid his friends will believe me and not him. As opposed to taking him as himself. Me? I think that is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. If they believe me before getting to know him and decide not to be his friends based on what I write here? Then they are not friends and what’s the loss? He lives in fear a lot. But he has no problem discussing, in public and in front of our friends on tape, his continuing feelings for the woman that he slept with while we were still lovers. He hasn’t figured out that he is the one that ended looking stupid in that particular farce. He is such a hypocrite. I was just livid with anger and hurt feelings last week. Again. It took some really good conversations with some very amazing women, both in person and on line, before I started to get some balance back. And I found some compassion.

The man has a severe anxiety disorder and I forgot about that. A good friend who knows this and who had been in a relationship with a man suffering from this was an incredible source of peace for me on my birthday. Independence Day. I had forgotten that was such a huge issue. She passed on a mantra she got from a Buddhist priest she discussed the matter with. “He is a man of many miseries” I am chanting that every time my anger resurfaces and slowly I’m finding my compassion. And forgiveness for myself.

Because of course part of the anger and betrayed feelings stem from feeling like a loser for staying as long as I did, buying into it as long as I did, trying to help as long as I did. Because of course now I’m just a bitch in his eyes and I suppose I deserve that because in the end I got pretty hot and said things I could have kept to myself, true as I still feel they are. Such is life. I could have said much that I did keep to myself. I spared him much more than he realizes. So much I never shared simply because I did love him just as he was. Such is life.

Lots of candles burned this weekend, including one amazing one from Carolina Candle Co. called Rejuvenation. I’ll be using those again. Tried to find a link but couldn’t. They use a soy wax with essential oils, very nice. A little candle magic too… And as I heal I stitch.