The tabloids report that Cancerian Tom Cruise has plans to build a $10 million bunker designed to save him and his family when the evil alien overlord Xenu attacks Earth, fulfilling a prophecy of his religion, Scientology. If the reports do have a grain of truth, and Cruise has in fact been considering the project, now would be an excellent time for him to begin construction. I’m not saying that I believe Xenu’s on his way. My point is that you Crabs will place yourself in harmony with cosmic rhythms if you attend to matters that will bolster your security, help you feel safe and peaceful, and foster domestic bliss.

I’m working on it…

Studies show that 58 percent of us think our IQs are higher than average. That can’t be true, of course. But maybe one sign of a person with a below-average IQ is the delusion that he’s pretty intelligent. Having said that, however, I confidently predict that at least 58 percent of all Cancerians will exceed the mediocre norm in the coming weeks. The figure may even rise as high as 75 percent. The astrological omens suggest you have the potential to be smarter than you’ve ever been. Use your acuity constructively!

Well…  Food for thought at any rate.  When I was 14 my parents wanted to get me into a very exclusive local prep school.  I passed the IQ tests, creativity tests, all the crap, and was accepted. We had to put it off due to finances. The next year I had to take the tests again.  Passed again.  That year I went.  This school?  Lakeside?  Bill Gate’s alma mater?  Whoopdeedo.  At best that was a 50/50 shot at a chance at the golden ring.  He got rich, I got drunk.  Both of us can say that we are in the top of the IQ heap, at least according to the school’s criteria.  He’s (or at least his company) getting sued left and right (although he is at least one of the richest men in the world but he lives in a veritable bunker)and I’m sober. Continue reading →

A teacher at an all-girl Japanese elementary school decided her class would put on a performance of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. But when she selected a certain student to play Snow White, the parents of the other 24 kids went ballistic. Through a campaign of harassment, they bullied the teacher into changing the script so that there would be 25 Snow Whites, no dwarfs, and no wicked witch. In my opinion, that’s the wrong way to apply democratic principles. I’m more anti-hierarchical than anyone I know, and yet even I would draw the line at, say, no more than five Snow Whites. Please be vigilant for the possibility that a similar misapplication of egalitarianism will take place in your personal sphere. Make sure there’s at least one dwarf.

Well then.  This is very interesting.  I’m going to equate the drawf with one village idiot or one narcissus (about who I had two compassionate thoughts about yesterday and I wasn’t even thinking about him).  I would rather they weren’t my boss or my lover/partner.  As long as the dwarf can remain an acquaintance I can handle that.  I’ve got at least 3 or 4 of them already.  Check.  They keep us humble and honest and awake.

Write down five exciting things you love to do or think about. Take this list with you everywhere you go. On another piece of paper, name five fears or unpleasant thoughts that demoralize you. Put this list at the back of your closet. For the next seven days, try to refrain from letting your mind wander to the things on the bad list. Meanwhile, undertake an aggressive campaign to cultivate, seek out, and enjoy the five exciting things that you love to do and think about. In fact, any time you notice your attention veering toward the negative stuff, immediately steer it toward the positive. Don’t worry, this exercise won’t turn you into a brain-dead optimist. After all, you’ll only do it for a week. The items on the second list will still be there when you’re done. Or will they? Maybe they will have mutated into something more manageable.

Or maybe a new pair of shoes.  Or that professional black jacket I am missing…

Off to walk Greenlake and clear my head even though the clouds are back and it’s cold, listening to the ducks will make me smile.

The world record for attaching clothespins to one’s face is 153. Even if you’re tempted to surpass that mark, I beg you not to. Inflicting pain on yourself in order to impress someone or prove a point is never a good idea, but it’s an especially misguided notion right now. I wouldn’t object, however, if you did the opposite, which is to barrage yourself with pleasure in order to impress someone or prove a point. In my astrological opinion, it’s a perfect time to intensify your commitment to making yourself feel good. This is true for many reasons, but here’s one of the most important ones: It will have a magically tonic effect on your relationships with others.

Twist my arm why don’t you?

Off to the thrift store to see what sweaters and coats they have out before the hoards start looking for autumn clothing…