Category Archives: Life Sober

Moving through the emotions

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Yesterday was very mixed. It became very apparent to me that a couple of things are happening. I was so relieved to finally be supported regarding an abusive boss that part of me got what I think was a bit power sated. Take that jerkface sums it up nicely.

I also found myself dealing with righteous anger, justifiable anger. A killer of alcoholics if not other folks.

I do have a reason to be angry. I do have reason to be joyous. But the one started to override the other and get confused about boundary lines and that was Not Good.

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I need some beauty in my life right now

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I noticed the other day that the golden chain tree (Laburnum) is in bloom. I don’t know exactly what it is about this tree but it makes me so happy to see it in its full glory.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

Tis muggy here today. Stifflingly muggy. Tonight it promises to rain and after the very high heat of this weekend that will be fine with me. Less on the water bill…

Friday I got some awesome support from folks at my 12 step meeting. Including a really nice hug from a guy who doesn’t usually say much. He said “you’re a good person and you’re handling this very well.” I really, really needed what I got Friday evening.

Saturday as I was walking across the parking lot on my way to silver smithing class a crow buzzed me. Continue reading →

Feelings know how to do their jobs

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Feelings are within us for a reason. They are the barometers of our spiritual condition. They let us know what our next course of action can be. It took me a long time, a very long time, probably many, many lifetimes to figure this out. Since I was having so much trouble and repeating similar patterns over these many lifetimes, I guess I decided that this time was the time to be done with that particular issue. So I came back as an out of control alcoholic.

In my recovery program we have many sayings, petit bon mot, that help us remember what we are trying to do. Stay sober. The one that I’m thinking about today is H.A.L.T. Never get too hungry, too angry, too lonely, too tired. I’m thinking of it because a family member asked me if I had any advice for them regarding the recent relapse of a mutual loved one. That was what I had.

I’m also thinking of it because I’ve been mulling over this post for a little while now. And when I typed lonely in my email to them, it struck me how I want to write this.

When I got sober I discovered a few things: I let my feelings run me and I had very few that I was accessing. Anger, frustration, sadness, and occasionally happiness or love. But mostly I lived in a cauldron of confusion that would burst out into rage or, occasionally, love. I pretty much had to be drunk to experience love and joy and then best not get too drunk or that would change quickly.

Holy Smokes! That sure is leaving out a lot of the emotions available to us. Yes, they gave us this little emotion face map.

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The Beholder

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According to physicist Paul Steinhardt, “Good science creates two challenging puzzles for each puzzle it resolves.” I propose that we expand that formula to make it apply to life in general: Good decision-making about anything at all creates two challenging puzzles for each puzzle it resolves. That should be your guiding meditation, Cancerian. You are currently at the height of your ability to wrestle long-standing dilemmas into more satisfying configurations. I expect that whenever you capitalize on this potential, you will conjure up fresh riddles that will energize you for weeks.

I mentioned the other day that I’ve been moving through this interesting place, experience, change in myself of late. I spoke about it at the Jeshua session duringt the Q&A.

I spoke of this feeling of detachment in my own life. That I feel very often that I’m watching and observing what is going on with no sense of attachment or emotion. Not to say that I never feel emotion these days, what are the odds of THAT? But it feels as though, unless there is already a strong emotional attachment to a situation such as SNIB or my family member’s relapse, that I am oddly no longer emotionally attached to my life and the events in it, or more accurately that it is waning away. I asked Jeshua if he could speak to me about that. He asked if what I wanted was a progress report. Yes, exactly. Continue reading →

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him think…

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A friend of mine had a co-worker he called Burrhead and the most amazing things came out of Burrhead’s realm of existence and thought. Not intentional, sometimes they show great wit anyway.

“Rome wasn’t burnt in a day” is another favorite. But the title saying is the one I want to look at today and how it reflects events in my life at any given moment.

In the spring of 1995 I went to treatment for alcoholism and drug addiction. The 6 weeks prior to that I had hurt my back climbing in a pipe chase inspecting for asbestos. And I got some great drugs from the doctor. As I was explaining to a family member the other day, my body doesn’t give a good god damn who my pusher is.

After treatment I was very reluctant to follow all of the suggestions I was given. Two meetings a week!?!? Are you frikking kidding me??? I don’t have time for that. Today that is true a lot of the time. But then? I had no life. I had no interests. I had no friends. I had no where else to go. But I fought the solution for me tooth and nail. I refused to connect with the similarities and concentrated on the differences. I kept claiming that I was a Priestess, I followed the way of the Goddess and there was no way I could connect with the God that I saw in the readings of the group I belonged to. *HAR!* Who on earth was I kidding? My life didn’t resemble anyone following anything but a path of destruction. Certainly not creation.

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