Ok, did that title make you gag almost as much as it did me? But, I have a cunning plan…

So by the time I moved into my new home, I was sick, utterly exhausted, missing my mom, lonely and yet incapable of interaction, and having a, not really a crisis of faith, but a definite transition. I was a mess and am only now feeling like I’m finding some foundation.

So I haven’t set up an altar, because I hadn’t yet heard what was needed. I do still do daily devotions and candles and incense but in a mild way. A week or so ago I saw this cool bed table that folded and had a pop up reading stand, a drawer, and a part that stayed flat even when the reading thing was in use and it got me thinking. The quality wasn’t excellent and it was $50.

After much thought about the best course of action and purchase and frugality, of course, my psychic shopper kicked in and said, Craigslist. The 5th item, a favorite number, was this gorgeous and large red Pottery Barn, all wood, table. The owner, an artsy, interesting and very nice (she hugged me and so did her friend as she didn’t really want to part with it and she was delighted I got it) woman my age, had painted it red and decoupaged a bicycle map of Paris on the top with a bunch of old envelopes with cool stamps and places, all in fountain pen ink. I knew it was mine, we sent about 20 emails and after treatment I went to give her money to hold it (she had received a lot of interest on this item). She was sure I’d never get it in the car if I didn’t bring at least one man. I was determined to manifest it today and not make a second trip. Et voila! She had a tiny friend over helping her move and the two of us got it in my back seat and Casey and I got it in the house. Solid piece and that’s no lie.

She and I sat on the floor and both of us lovingly rubbed our hands over it as she told me the story of how it got to be like that and how many fun times she and her kids made stuff at that table. It’s perfectly distressed.

One drawer was full of candles, it smells like cinnamon, a spice of love, and under all the candles was a big glitter heart. So mine… And yet still hers.

Tomorrow is going to be about taking all my spiritual accoutrement, tools, and goodies out of storage and hiding and seeing what still serves and what goes. I’m so excited. This faces North, my favorite direction. Of course I love north, I’m all water and fire signs, need grounding.

And the three small shelves that have had no home will get installed on the wall on the right. Perfect!! Got the Ryobi battery charging.

I plan on using it for daily devotions, meditation, and journaling. I need something cozy to sit on and have a few ideas.

Any way, yay! $75 and I feel lucky to have it. And I’ll be giving some things away too… wink nudge

And I need to keep writing….

Pema Chodron: Unconditional Friendship With Yourself

Thank you Erica for the link. I feel this is my path and the true depths that I’ve been able to plumb (?) have been worth the sad heart. But the heart only has a piece of sad, there is also joy and gratitude and still, perhaps, some anger. But it’s all good because it’s all me.

This is why I throw a conniption when someone thinks that I need to change how I feel. Or say I should not share the truth of it “in public.” I would LOVE to go public because no one wants to talk about the icky stuff and it’s killing us. So many feel that they’re “bad” feelings so let’s cheer the sad little gal right the fuck up. Well I don’t happen to WANT to be cheered up in that moment, I want to experience my reality. Or to have my feelings invalidated or to feel anything other than that very very, or as a Greek or two said, Really Real authenticity. I want to finally feel WHOLE. And REAL. And LOVED and LOVING.

I also want to say, “hey, line in the sand you.” Step back. Let me breathe. Let me feel my feelings. Unlike you I can bear the discomfort because I KNOW that getting to the other side is Heaven and Goodness and Relief not Regret. Join me. Say it loud and say it proud. Be YOU. Find YOU. Fuck it. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hi Folks,

I’ve been blogging a long time and have uploaded all my posts from all my sites to this site so the whole mess is here in the archives.  But for now, for maybe forever, I’m not going to post any more.  I’m moving on to my new life and need to keep my energy for other pursuits, including resting.

Please, if you want to stay in touch I post on Facebook a lot under my personal account, including art and cancer updates, so if you want to connect that way, here is the link to my facebook page.  Depending on if I know you at least a little, I may or may not accept the friend reqeust, but you never know, I just might.  Deerheart?  at least get an account for talking with me?

This is my first Saturday that I get to treat like a Saturday in a year. Slept in. Yay!!! Leisurely coffee. Yay! Kitty to the vet to treat her kennel cold and get her on the books. A little grocery shopping and then I’m going to putter the rest of the weekend to prepare for the weekbeginning. Have a Christmas party on the calendar. Last year when I went to this annual gig, I was surrounded by amazing friends who helped me parse the beginning of my cancer diagnosis journey. I still didn’t know I had it, hadn’t even made it in for the diagnostic imaging. Had just found the lump and made the appointment and I was scared out of my wits.* One year ago today. Cancerversary. Oh. Yup. There are the tears. I have such warm fuzzy memories of that night. I felt so surrounded by love and care. So I want to go tonight but I might not make it. After 5pm I really crash energy wise.

Not fatigued but definitely tired and need to catch up with myself after my first week of work. My boss has a printed schedule for me every day and I don’t think he realizes how stressful that is to have every minute managed. It doesn’t feel like a slow entry to me. He schedules in lunch but no other down time. He means well and I think he thinks that as long as there are no web launches, it’s not stressful. Ugh. I might need to talk to him about this Monday. It’s a good thing that none of the “events” last the full time but yesterday they did. It was back to back meetings including my lunch which was a 401k seminar. They provided food but I thought my head was going to explode by 3. I almost had two meltdowns this week. Luckily I was able to stave them off. Some of my sober friends might not approve, but my doctor has prescribed a low dose of anti- anxiety medication to help.

One of the side effects of Tamoxifen is chemically induced anxiety. I feel like I’m in fight or flight mode almost every waking moment. It’s a physical reaction and it requires a physical solution. Thank god for Ativan. He told me I absolutely need to take it before driving because an anxiety attack behind the wheel would be a BAD thing. The dose is so low I don’t even feel it, it simply brings me to a more normal normal. But my twelve step training has me a little uncomfortable with it. I feel like I don’t fit in more than usual these days. I feel like I have to justify this some how. And then my Manticore voice says, girl? CANCER!! Do whatever you have to to survive.

I’m overly sensitive to just about anything my friends say. I’m ready to fight constantly. So I take the meds. But I’m not used to them being the solution so I forget they help. Almost bruised some dear friends last night. Ugh. I really hate this feeling. Taking my meds like a good girl today.

But! We also adjusted another of my meds. Surprisingly my fibromyalgia medication also helps with BOTH anxiety and neuropathy. I pretty much feel like my socks are full of sand 24/7. And when I get up after sitting the pain to walk is rather shocking to me. I walk like an old lady, every step just OW. After 2 days of increasing the dose, there is less sand. Still some and still pain but I’m feeling pretty hopeful about the foot thing. I think working is helping my ankle heal too. Less time on my feet (unpacking has a lot of standing in it) and more walking (to and from the bus twice a day) is helping the healing there too.

All of that said, it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Blue skies, 25 degrees with wind chill to 18. BRRRRRRR.

I hope to soon have the energy for photos again. Camera battery charged, I’m ready. Soon!

I need to get some decaf. That’s what I usually drink but realized that the coffee I had is caffeinated from the Mr. Furnace days (we broke up amicably a few months ago and remain friends). I usually go to Sbux or Tullies and get decaf. So this doesn’t help the anxiety AT ALL but I’ve been so broke from the move that I was making do. Oops! Will remedy today.

Still very much in Hermit mode, even more so really as I’m just exhausted in the evenings after work and need the whole weekend just to be able to face Monday but I’m okay with that. Solitude and hibernating and cocooning and nesting are EXACTLY what I need right now.

Bright blessings as we move towards Solstice!
Cyn

* now there’s a phrase! Scared out of my wits. Pretty much describes the bulk of this year.

This year I’ve heard all kinds of things said about cancer including that it brings gifts. Not everyone agrees about that. Cancer, in and of itself, is decidedly NOT a gift. But there are gifts to be found.

Cultures that have Shaman (what is the plural fer crying out loud? Shamii?) teach us that the Shaman comes to their power through mental and/or physical illness and hardship. It’s very clear to me that this has been my path. I’m not your typical Shaman however. True to form, I tend to reject status quo. Yes, I own a drum. But that’s about as far as it goes. I no longer take psychotropic drugs to induce altered states and back in the days when I did it wasn’t to be a Shaman. I don’t look like a Shaman. I look like a mostly normal 54 year old rocker unless you look closely.

All that said, make no mistake that this has been a year of altered states and a journey of the Shaman. I am walking the path. For myself and for those who didn’t beat the cancer, for those who love us. For myself. For life.

I am not who I was a year ago. Pretty much everything has changed. Yes, many of the people and the job are/is the same but I, my Self, am far different from a year ago.

One year ago this night I felt a BIG HARD lump that I knew was cancer. My friend Erica calls this a breastiversary. I KNEW it. It was a few more weeks before western medicine confirmed what I knew to be true but my instincts were right on. I’ve spent years learning to trust my very accurate instincts and intuitions, giving them validation even when others would not. There was a time I could not do that for myself. This time all the dots lined up. There is a knowing deep within me that I can trust to lead me, through the bright days but definitely through the dark days.

Christopher Walken, on Inside The Actor’s Studio, when asked the standard, “If there is a heaven, what would you like God to say to you at the pearly gates?” replied, “You were right.” I’ve never forgotten it and to this day it cracks me up. I’ve heard it said that those are the three favorite words of humans, not “I love you” but “You are right.” This was one time I did not want to be right. But there was no denying that for once I was so right there was no other way to bend it.

My boss was standing there with me with his hand on my back and my favorite co-worker doing the same on the other shoulder as I spoke with the doctor who confirmed what I knew in my soul already. I blithely went home and started making plans for how I was going to manage this. I prefer to live in the solution rather than the problem and this was no exception. I figured I’d be out for a month for surgery and two for chemo and back by April. I called my sponsor and she said, “be ready to turn over a year of your life to cancer.”

WHAT?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! And here it is. A year. I didn’t return to work in April, chemo was 6 months but nausea was much longer. Radiation… A year of my life. I return to work on Monday. I needed every day of this year to be able to do this. Thank you to my work peeps who had my back, kept my job, and paid my medical benefits.

So, what am I rambling on about? What does this have to do with gifts?

Cancer itself is not a gift. It’s terrifying, debilitating, painful, brutal, and deadly. We all die from something right? I’ve never really asked why me. Why not me? Right? I had some very dark days, there were the days when I sat with every pill in the house in my lap wondering if it would be enough to kill me. But there were days when my loved ones gathered around me and loved me when I couldn’t see myself any more.

On this day of Thanksgiving here in the U.S.A. I thought I would see what I can put on my gratitude list. What are the gifts that I received because I was sick enough to let them in. Too sick to fight anything other than cancer and not myself, not the universe, not Spirit. I was cracked wide open and flooded with love. Who knew.

• I’m grateful to be alive first and foremost. There was a time in my life when I was certain I’d never live to see thirty and who would want to anyway? I’d seen others do over thirty and it just wasn’t attractive to me. I couldn’t see my future or an inkling of why that might be a good thing to strive for. Evidently my spirit and Spirit had other plans for me. I’m so overwhelmingly grateful for this life. This one life. It’s been a challenge, sometimes daily, but as I watch this morning’s fog ebb and flow amongst the trees outside my window, the patches of sparkly blue come and go, I feel this peace, this amazing knowing, that this moment is what it’s all about. To just sit and look and maybe, if the ankle would permit, dance. So I’m letting my heart dance as my senses do a reel. I cry all the time. Sometimes tears of rage or sadness but mostly tears of gratitude. Believe it or not, my second thought after “damn it, I was right ” was “I’m so grateful.” I don’t know why but in that moment I was carried and flooded. And I became a warrior, I started fighting with every fiber, every atom of my being, to be here. To stay. Just a little longer please, just a little more time. I need to see the beauty instead of the pain.
• Bacon. Oh yes, bacon is cooking in the oven as I write this and my senses are reeling and jigging over that! 4 pieces of thick, juicy, bacon. Thank you, oh blessed pig for your sacrifice. I know it was harder for you than my cancer has been for me. I’m still alive and part of it is because of you and your gift. Sustenance. We are connected forever because of it. Thank you.
• Thank you Goddess for my friends and family. Yes, even the very, VERY, few who think I’m crazy or mean. Fighting against that ugly mindset makes me stronger. It brings me, step by baby step, to the realization that those are not my truths and while sometimes they do manifest in me, they are not ME. I am a being of light and love just like you are. We are all trying to survive, thrive, live, in the best way we know how. If you need to think I’m stupid or worthless, I’m glad to have helped. Sincerely. You will find your way back to love, of me and of yourself. For you are lovable and I love you oh so very, VERY, much. For the very, VERY, many who share your love with ME, bless you, for it is how I know I have worth even when the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee decides to hold a meeting in my head and tell me I don’t deserve to be here. I do. So do you. And I love being here, sick or well, happy or sad. It’s the contrasts that bring value and shape.
• Nature, I’m so glad to be here, to witness your beauty, your red of tooth and claw, your gently rocking waves and mighty crashing oceans. Your heights of purple mountain’s majesty and depths of deepest, coldest, blue. Your crows who land in the big sugar maple and look in at me, wondering if today I have sustenance to sacrifice for them. I do. Blessed, blessed crow. Mama, in so many ways you are the metaphor for my life. The Upper World, the Under World, and all that lies between, what an amazing blessing to be here. To see the sudden gleam of gems illuminated for a moment in the utter darkness. Flare! Then gone but never forgotten.

I could go on and on but these are some of the gifts that have been illuminated for much more than a moment as I try not to let the ugliness of cancer kill my spirit. While I reach to live and be strong and share this precious gift of life with you.

I am a leaf on the wind, watch me soar.
~ Wash, Serenity