Fear? MOI???

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As the days flow since my big epiphany last week (gosh, was it only last week??!) I see patterns. Patterns that mimic my early sober days when I was experiencing other types of self discovery on less deep levels. Because once you have the epiphany? Once you see your belief system and how it manifests in your behavior? You see it all the time. CONSTANTLY. And I am amazed at how messed up some of my thinking really is.

This core belief thing? Appears to be to the bone, bone deep, raw bloody bone deep.

Let’s see, what am I afraid of?

  • Afraid I will be left. Again. By everybody so best to just kick them to the curb now to save yourself the grief later right?
  • Afraid to be myself. Why? Because I will be left again?
  • Afraid to live my life. Why? Because I’m not supposed to have it at all?
  • Afraid I won’t be picked for the job. I’m not good enough and gosh darn it, nobody likes me.

Where does this manifest the most? In my relationship with D. He’s not even really aware of it most times because he’s busy working on his own stuff and I’ve been living with a BIG secret. He’s made comments, and some of them in anger, and it was those comments that sent me to the inventory in the first place. That and getting fired for all the same reasons. He has no idea of the magnitude of the problem. How could he? I’m just starting to grok the damage myself and working as fast as I can on triage. The fear? It does crop up. I am so incredibly sensitive it’s apalling. And everything I see my head translates into loss or the potential of loss.

So when I get a moment to chat or talk with Mr. Furnace it goes really well. But I’m seeing VERY clearly where it wasn’t going well before. A great deal of the time it is my own head, my own belief system that is screwing things up. We have a great time chatting, he’s as fun as ever and I’m assuming it’s mutual because we are still doing it. I just got home from a meeting so I’m reasonably sane at the moment but last night was ridiculous. At the meeting I saw very clearly what it is I do in my head. I’ve always done it. I know now where it came from. Knowing is being in the solution. But Knowing? Kinda sucks too. Discovering and owning that your own mind is your own worst enemy is a frightening thing. No wonder I got loaded all the time and have to work on recovery every day.

What was it I did? Well. Yesterday, before my interview with the headhunter (waste of time but must keep the energy flowing) I sent him a text “Wish me luck” and I got an immediate response “YAY! Positive energy something or other” and I went in, had the thing, texted back saying “Went well but typical headhunter stuff.” and got an immediate response “yeah, you gotta show up. It’s all good though, things are flowing” (paraphrasing here)

By 7 I am spun out. I started assuming, for NO REASON AT ALL, that Mr. Furnace was ignoring me. That he was upset with me. That he didn’t want to see me. See, I sent him a text asking him to promote my etsy shop on his Facebook wall.  He knows a LOT of people.  I get a text right back “K. I’ll get to it” And that is when I spun out. I promptly forgot all the other wonderful things that had happened that day. The other day, the other days. Total fear based reaction and went straight to the absolute worst case scenario. I woke up this morning and was numb, had completely given up on the whole thing. It was over. AND I MOVED ON. No More D.

Later this morning I pinged him and he didn’t respond. I could see he was online. So I pinged again asking if I was in the doghouse. He responded, uh, why? I pretended I was talking about something else and we ended up having a very amiable pleasant chat. As always.

So off to my noon meeting I went where this kind of behavior was the topic for the meeting. Just what I needed. I am so messed up. My head is a trip and a half and half the time I can’t even see how it fucks with me. Denial and belief are two very strong things. How wrong I am, how I went into outer space based on no information at all, completely based on my core belief system of they always leave and I’m not worth them staying.

I know at some point I’m going to share this with D. He will appreciate it. I am pretty sure his reaction will be similar to what it was the other day when I told about the inventory and epiphany. “That is one of the things I love the most about you, you do the hard work.”

That is what my High Priestess said to me when I told her the same story.

Why oh why and when oh when am I going to overcome this? I have no idea. I know that the hard work is just beginning because I only realized the problem a few days ago.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I won’t be able to change. I’m afraid I’ll lose the ones I love the most because I’m such a mess. I try to live in love but the truth is it appears I live in fear. All the time. Part of the solution is seeing that and working on it and re-parenting the little girl inside me who feels so abandoned. Part of me knows that the other part of the solution is people I love NOT leaving me because I’m a mess and me not making them leave in one fashion or another.

The truth is, because I actually AM starting to re-parent and re-program myself, is that my head, just now as I was proofreading the post? Said, hey wait a minute! Of course you’ll change. You’re already not who you are. You’ve had this same fear with other things you’ve wanted to overcome in sobriety. This will work the same way. You’ll make it. You’ve already done the bulk of the work, the digging, the discovery. It’s going to be okay. But it is some sad overwhelmingly intense stuff and while I’m slogging my way through it, this is no overnight patch job.

Light a candle for me?

Wasteland of Rocks or Abundance Beyond Measure?

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This week in cancer:

Afghanistan is a wasteland of desert and rocks, right? Well, no, actually. It harbors huge deposits of minerals that are critical to the industrialized world. There’s a complication, though. To succeed, the arduous business of mining such minerals needs lots of water and electricity as well as political stability and a good infrastructure — all of which are in short supply in Afghanistan. In offering this scenario for your consideration, Cancerian, I’m suggesting that you make a comparable re-evaluation of a certain situation in your own life. According to my reading of the omens, someone or something you’ve considered barren may in fact harbor resources that are useful to you. Here’s the rub: Are you in position to get access to them? If not, what would it take to do so?

Goodness, I hardly know where to begin. I’ll get the easily brief things out of the way. Interview tomorrow with a Microsoft headhunter. Their website lists tons of opportunities. Bring it on. Have a couple other irons in the fire, one of which I would dearly love to see happen. Tick tock.

I have photos ready to go for the Etsy shop, will announce tonight most likely. I am not set up to take photos of clothing and need to work on that but will get a couple bags up and the like. I need a model…

Mr. Furnace and I had a really, and I mean REALLY, good talk yesterday. I told him about my inventory and epiphany, he told me about the changes that happened for him on his trip. We are both moving along very well with the personal growth/recovery thing and it’s good to see. We have not discussed anything regarding our own relationship in any depth but he has been responsive and we will talk about it soon. Neither of us have been happy with our relationship situation, this calls for creativity in spades and hearts. We are looking for shades of gray as opposed to black and white and both of us have some more thought percolation but I feel extremely good about this right now. Square wheels and all. I have a case of the warm fuzzies lately and there is a little jiggle in my heart area. This? Still feels different and rather exciting in a whole new way. I’m utterly in love and yet I’m patient and I feel no, dare I say it?  No, not yet…

Well.  I guess this is brief in all areas. Getting to meetings, talking with folks, staying calm, plodding through my days getting things done, taking time out to rest and recover and process, quiet days. It’s all good. I’m not in any hurry here. Hurry will not be in my best interests at this time. I will however take a job the moment one comes up.

Oh. And Autumn has hit the Seattle area. Yuuuummmmm. My favorite time of year. New beginnings, fresh starts, projects and the time and cooler weather to work on them.  Yes. My brother and his family are coming for Samhain too! I can hardly wait…


From the Druid Plant Oracle.

Title? You Want A Title???

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That’s just too much to ask.

No knew developments on the inventory thing and that’s cool because I’m kind of exhaustified. Stiff neck, headachey, etc. Will get the photos up soon for the Etsy store but moving slower than anticipated.

Tomorrow I go pick D up from the airport. When I went to pick him up on Thursday, he gave me the biggest bear hug I think I’ve ever had. I could barely breathe. It was good. I was trying so hard to stay cool, keep my emotions in check, that I probably wasn’t as responsive as I could have been.  When I dropped him off at the airport, after giving him another hug, he blew me the sweetest kiss over the top of the car. It wasn’t the kiss blowing that got me but the look in his eyes. It started me to wondering if perhaps we might both be ready to talk about things.

He has been checking in with me every day since he left. Texts and, surprisingly, phone calls. They are brief, chatty calls but quite cheerful for D, clearly this getting out of town helped him as much as me getting out of town helped me. It’s a family reunion/wedding and the bucks have not been spared, so chatty stuff about the historic hotel, the 108 degree days, etc. He told his sister I would give her a ride home from the airport too and called to make sure that was really okay. She’s on the way, of course it is. But he was all stoked that I finally get to meet his sister. Insert Scooby Doo “Huh?” here.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Us especially since the inventory eyeopener. I want to talk to him about compromises and creative relationship construction, about feelings, and what do we really want things to look like instead of what does society usually tell us a relationship looks like and it crushes us and we can’t handle it and and and. So I asked him. I was thinking and if you’re willing, would you like to grab some food after we drop your sis off and have a talk. And he was all over it. Oh yes! That would be great! Yeah, we can do that!

Wow, I really need to remember to keep my feet on the ground here. Not get my hopes up, but this is some action that is promising. There is hope. It’s not my hopes that I need to worry about so much as my expectations and assumptions. Gotta keep those bad boys in check…

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  It won’t bring the Etsy store (I’ll need a couple days more for that) but it might bring a lighter heart for yours truly. I’ve been pretty heartbroken in general but mostly specifically regarding Mr. Furnace.

*POP* *popopopopopopopopopop*

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Wow. Wowie Zowie.

I contacted Jan yesterday and told her I was ready to work my 5th step. She was very surprised that my inventory was done. After reading it to her she said I’d done a very good job. This was a very, VERY, powerful experience.

I’m adopted. I’ve always known it. I’ve always been okay and circumspect about it. I hadn’t realized I was in total denial about how much that hurt and how big a hole I had inside me, how totally wounded I am because of it. There is no way I can put into words how overwhelming it was to get in touch with that this morning. Jan said that I now get to write an inventory on my adoption and the adoption of my son (I gave HIM up at birth, the cycle continued). I can do that.

Ooooh!  Remember my horoscope from the other day? The last sentence of it  said:

Isn’t it time for you, too, my fellow Cancerian, to circle back and reclaim an early part of you that got lost along the way

Isn’t it time indeed.

After leaving her apartment I was standing waiting for the elevator and there was this huge mirror. I don’t spend a lot of time looking myself in my eyes in the mirror. Sure I do my hair, check my clothes, that kind of thing. But look at myself in the mirror? No. I’ve made myself do it now and again, okay rarely, but why you know? So there I was looking myself in the eye in this huge mirror and I thought huh. As I turned away, this little tiny voice in my head, clear as day, clear as a bell, with all the anguish of a terrified child, cried “Don’t leave me mommy!”  OMG It was me. Needless to say I fucking lost it.

I took my inventory to the beach and reread it at Jan’s suggestion to see what else would come up besides the two things I came away with.

Yes, I came away with some obvious things like how intolerant of others I can be, how judgemental, how prickly, how defiant and defensive, and (Jan added a new one) intellectually arrogant. We agreed, however, that all of those were the result of the damage we uncovered this morning and that if I deal with the core, the base foundation, the rest will work itself out.

So I came away with some realizations about my core belief structure.

  • Deep down I feel that I deserve to be left
  • I am deeply wounded by this and it is no one’s fault but especially not mine

What came to me in the car while I read and watched the waves?

  • Deep down I feel that I don’t deserve to be alive

And you know what? The truth will set you free. I feel GREAT! Yes, little voices have been popping into my head all day. Suddenly that little tiny girl is very vocal. It makes me cry. I see now my defiant warrior and exactly who and what she has been protecting. She can calm down a little. There will be times when I still need her but right now she can take a break. She’s pretty battered herself.

Wow. I feel free. And I feel like the bottleneck that has been building? The one that was going to kill me? It BURST. Yes, I have a long road in front of me and much work to do. Getting past the denial is the biggest part of the work and I’m okay knowing that the intense stuff that is going to continue to come up will continue to come up. I’m okay. I can handle it. I’m not afraid of hard, painful work. I’m afraid of what I can’t see. What I don’t know about me runs me.

This afternoon a deposit from a retirement account I thought I had closed showed up in my checking account. Several hundred dollars. I have an interview on Wednesday for a Web Publishing position at our largest employer in the area. A WEB job. That market is finally opening up and they are finally seeing my resume. D has texted me several times from LA and when I sent a text about the job interview he called me. Partly because he thought it was for the day he comes home and wanted to know if he needed to make other arrangements (bloody Mercury Retrograde *laugh*) but also to just chat for a second.  Right now it doesn’t feel important if I get that job or if D and I find our way. I’m just glad to have had this experience and to feel like I’ve FINALLY nailed what it is that has driven me in such negative ways all these years.

You know what really blows my mind? Today, all of this could fall apart and I’d still be okay. I feel really, really CLEAN. Probably all that salt water.

The Energy?  Is FLOWING.

Something HAS Shifted

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Blessed be!

edited:  Oooooh! Oooooh!  This is the 1000th post on this incarnation of my blog…  Did I hit the dinger?

I just signed a small contract for a small website.  Very small, won’t pay the bills but it will feed me for the next month and covered my car tabs which were due. It’s for someone I know who I like a great deal. It will be fun to put this together, it will get me back in the webs swing, and hopefully shift my working energy even more to the good side.  Now the fact that my resume says that I am still self employed at the top is accurate. Bring it on universe, bring it on.

I go to pick up D in 2 hours to take him to the airport. He’s excited but I’m assuming it’s more about the trip than the driver. But more will be revealed and I need that.