The first photo below is a TRIP. Those lines don’t exist on that mirror in ANY way. They simply aren’t there when I look with my eyes and feel with my fingers. What is that all about?

Cosy home alone. I couldn’t move if I tried. Happy after a lovely family reunion weekend. Dozing by the fire trying to re-read “The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane.”  zzzz what?

So tired. Good tired.

So tell me. I’m starting to ponder the illustrations, tools, and pouches I’ll start making after April (yes, this process can start much sooner than you think!).

If I could do a poll here (can I?) I’d love to know some things from you but I’m not paying for PollDaddy yet.  I won’t share with you the images that that left in my mind…

1. What motifs would be most meaningful to you? Images of ritual acts? Ritual tools? Deity? Symbolism? Talk to me…

2. Are you interested in low ticket items like greetings cards and prints? or much more high ticket items like one of a kind wooden boxes, wands, runes, embroidered tarot bags? What would be a middle ticket item to you? What is a too high price for something as special as a OOAK tarot bag?

3. Do you usually only give presents at Yule or do you want things available all year long?

4. Which are the holidays that you would be most likely to give cards besides the obvious Yule? Would you like a full set for sending or for framing and placing on your wall or altar?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Get cancer and suddenly those things you thought you couldn’t get to or didn’t want to get to, well, over 2 years they suddenly have changed or disappeared. Or they are sitting there waiting for you. Some of these will be exciting to you, others probably not.

CHECK OUT THE FUNDRAISER FOR MY MASTECTOMY TATTOOS!
It’s a great opportunity to get some original art and help out a friend at the same time.

• The Medieval Tailor is up and running!! I did not end it after all. I do have a few more demos that still need to be added but I’m getting there. I’m still getting between 2500-3000 hits a month there. Even from Africa. Who knew. The shoe demo is live now so go make some cool shoes and send me pictures!

• The Etsy shop is empty and right now I’m in the middle of a fundraiser to help me get the funds to cover my mastectomy scars with tattoos. Just in case you didn’t notice that above. Don’t know what I want for a design but I will finish my half done arm design on Veteran’s Day (hey, I’m sort of a veteran, had my own personal war) and I’m making a few items as inspiration to donate.  Check it out here. You can donate and if the donation is of a certain amount you will get a piece of art from me.  Once this is done, I’m going to start working on greeting cards and prints for Yule, Samhain, and Beltaine or just whimsy. I’m hoping to have more energy after the end of April when the deadline for the fundraiser pieces is done. This way more folks can have pieces of my work without paying the high ticket prices.
• A friend has been making witchy dolls (which have been on my Oooh Wouldn’t That Be Fun List for a long time). They are adorable and she’s inspiring me like crazy. I have my own designs and ideas although hers are adorable. You can check out her shop here, Polly Lind Artist. No dolls at the moment but her wall hangings are pretty darned cool too. That said, I want to make my own dolls, probably smaller and with no props but that’s in the creative cauldron bubbling away until all is ready.
• The woman who stole my Medieval Tailor website and presented it as her own got her site taken down by the administrators and all is well there!  I don’t have to hate her or anyone else any more. Cancer stops that stupid shit right in its tracks. You get very real and simplify the things that matter. Checked off the list.
• I’m eating far more of certain foods than I should and have put on 13 pounds since treatment ended almost 2 years ago.  So back on low carb for me. For every 20 pounds of extra weight you increase your chance of recurrence and since there is no “5 years, oh goodie my cancer won’t come back” with breast cancer, this matters. Now on the list.
• The gym is hard because I have peripheral neuropathy in my feet (also my fingertips) and so walking, jumping are out, have to be VERY careful on the rowing machine, but the stationary bike works ok. I must find a way to dedicate myself to this. I’m so frikking tired and in pain most days it’s very hard to do but again, this matters. Also now on the list.
• I wasn’t going to decorate for Halloween but the photos below in an earlier post inspired me and since I’m having a once in a lifetime shindig this weekend it will be nice to have the place looking festive. We have many fond memories of Halloween since my nephew joined this world. He’s too old to trick or treat this year but I’m going for the decor. This shindig really is once in a lifetime. Bro and nephew haven’t been here for 4.5 years and it’s likely that in another 4 years Mom will no longer be with us (sobsniffohgodnotmymom!!!) and she can’t travel to France. So getting my son and his family, my bro and his family, mom, Casey and his daughter all together at once, well, this is a big deal. I’m making my famous chili. Now on the list.

• No longer doing circles, I dream of the day I have energy to do formal solitary work again. I do informal work all the time. I really want to get this back in my life big time. This WILL HAPPEN. SMIB.

What are you working on? Do you have any holiday plans? Are you making anything for presents? Baking? Raking Leaves?  What does Autumn mean to you?

Falling Leaves Blessings!

Surprise surprise surprise!! I’m still alive!

Autumn Blessings to you!

I’m back. It’s been almost 2 years since I moved into my new apartment. (see post below) It’s looking great, I love my place. The maple outside is changing colors. I have a new, honest, proactive, landlord. I am in a new, fantastic, loving, honest, romantic relationship. I have a new job for a local school district as their webmaster that validates me without working me to death to earn a living wage. No more entitled, rude, customers, no more flaky boss just a small group of really nice people where the atmosphere is laid back but busy and your humanity is honored even if corrected.

I’m still struggling with fatigue and PTSD and there is a medication I need to take for 5 more years that has a few side effects I don’t like, mainly bone and muscle pain which is random as far as when and which. Pain pain pain and fatigue fatigue fatigue. But also love love love and life life life.

So much has changed in my life. I’m very blessed to even have this life. I try to remember that every day because there are some days when the PTSD really raises it’s ugly head and I find myself in a bit of trouble but my coping mechanism now, after trying other things, is to call my BF or my BFF.

I’ve not got the energy to decorate the house this year for either Samhain or Yule*** as I travel a great distance to work (not doable by public transit in any way) and so am putting in an 11 hour day by the time I get home. That doesn’t include the gym and shopping and cooking and cleaning and date nights. Doesn’t even include my friends. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how often I’ll post but I am starting to create again. I’m updating Medieval Tailor which lost a lot of pages in its migration as I was sidetracked when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in December 2012. So that’s getting completed finally. I’m letting all my private customers go and have one last site to migrate.

I’ll keep this site a mixture of my personal musings and my artwork. I’m changing my art studio into a studio/guest room. Why?? One other thing that is new is that I’m a mother, a mother in law, and a grandmother. All it took was one email. In 1981, even though I was married, I gave my beloved son up for adoption. I knew I’d be divorcing his father and that I had nothing to offer him in the form of a quality life. I wanted him to have everything I had. I knew I’d never make it as a single mom and that his life wouldn’t be anything but one challenge after another. I’m adopted and felt good about that experience so felt very comfortable if not incredibly sad as hell making this decision. He wrote me this spring and we’re re-inventing family. They raised him right. He’s a gem. A quality man. A son to be proud of. There are so many details I’ll not share but I’m happy. My brother and nephew are arriving today from France where they live and this Saturday I’m hosting a huge dinner so that everyone gets to meet everyone. Uncles, cousins, great-grandmother (my mom is still alive but we lost dad in July 2014). It’s so awesome. And who knew that HATING PEAS was genetic????

So I feel like I’m starting from scratch. It’s going to take a while for me to get my stats back up to 30 readers (Bahahahaha) but I’ll keep working on it.

***I lied. I’m going to decorate damn it. I got KIDS coming to my house. MY KIDS. OMG. Tonight and tomorrow I decorate.

And other meditations on body image, body respect, and the summer goodness of some Siggi’s orange and ginger yogurt and fresh warm raspberries, and yeah ok, I admit a little medical marijuana.

I will probably never be a vegan. First and foremost, the truth is, when it comes to food, I am an omnivore. And the big business of veganism is rearing almost as ugly a head as the omnivores. But never quite as obviously messy as the carnivore. You simply can not get away with eating and avoiding harm. So you go for as little harm as possible no matter which path you choose and if you’re lucky there are local food providers actually keeping quality of life for food, be it plant or animal, and, therefore, us.

Two years ago I was emotionally distressed and depressed and angry and scared, and under constant stress from a few directions. I was spiritually stagnating but in the process of trying to rectify that. I was physically exhausted and I thought it was the stress and energy output. So I joined a gym and starting doing a couple weight workouts and rowing 3 miles 3 days a week. It felt good. I wish it was water wet rowing but I closed my eyes and put on my headphones and I rowed on lakes of sparkling diamonds and under willow trees, gorgeous sunrises and sunsets and the red winged blackbird would call me. I lost weight and really started toning my upper body. My body up top was shifting and when that happens, if you’re paying attention, mysteries can be revealed.

Thanksgiving Night 2012 I was in bed doing my breast self exam and I found a very hard, somewhat large, lump. I checked more closely, I felt my entire breast, my heart starting to beat faster. I compared it in every way to my other breast and it was all, One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other. And I knew in that moment that I had breast cancer oh holy God help me get through this. So I jumped the medical hoops and took their poison and asked them to amputate my breasts and burn my very bones with radiation. I also lost 11 lymph nodes, over 14 tumors, part of a lung but praise Goddess not my heart. My heart is good. My finger tips and toe tips are kind of numb and yet kind of tingley and my handwriting has changed a bit and I sometimes drop things. The occasional minor lymphedema. The radiation pony trick killed the mystery lump under my sternum. So I wait now. Just a couple more answers. I’ve found some patience in this process. The damage can be managed. Yeah. Now that I know.

It’s shifted things even further and I want oh so very deeply to be ever so much more mindful of how I treat it. So I now shop the Consumer’s Coop or at least the organic section at the chain store. I try to be mindful of how my food is treated and how the land that supports it is treated. What’s in the stuff I put on my skin.

I’m determined to get myself unaddicted from coke Zero, other sugars, white foods in general, an exception being white fish. I do plan to bring some things in but as treats or rare exception but man. One day at a time. I’m truly addicted to some foods and even some very specific brands/types of food. Like wafer cookies and potato chips.

So this morning, I went to the green pharmacy to exchange some cartridges that were defective. This has happened before with oils that are too thick, they are very nice about exchanging, their business thrives. And they had a new line that DOES NOT HAVE ANY POLYPROPYLENE GLYCOL in it. Holy cow. It’s about time. That stuff, touted as “something the medical field uses as a lubricant with some of their procedures and medications” but I still don’t know WTF it is. This new stuff, they label it differently. They state dosage by % not mgs. And the gal said that because of the purity you needed less. I tend to take these people at their word and they have been so very kind and caring and surprisingly professional and fun and groovy all at the same time. I do love my particular pharmacy of choice. So I got one of these new cartridges of course (plus they did exchange the other ones). Smoke less so more doses, more pure, and costs less although initial outlay is 30% higher than the other stuff. At worst be equal in the final analysis. And not have those scary words that I don’t know what they are words. I can dig it.

I came home and thought “you know Saturdays are usually a three toke day so I’ll just have one instead, see how this shifts things.” And that woman didn’t lie. So I sat up on the bed and ate a bowl of this new yogurt I found with fresh raspberries. And I offered some to the man and he said good but tart and I realized that something had shifted in my body. Because to me? It tastes really mmmmm amazing and while there is faint touch of tart, it is quite sweet to me and extremely thick and yummy. I realize that my palette has somehow begun shifting and I’m tasting simpler things in a different way now. Last year this time everything tasted like crap. Food is so delicious now.

Thinking about the dance of life, the goodness when I bit down on a little piece of ginger and thought about the interplay of live cultures in Greek yogurt and that lie they call yogurt or even worse Greek yogurt that isn’t and raspberries with their little seeds, all of it changing me from the outside inside out. Sweet, thick, rich, unbelievably healthy because how something that tastes this amazing could be so good for me and not harm anyone blows my mind. And it feels goooooood.

Life is good. It has had its challenges and Dad and Mimi gone just a month and ow and work stuff and yet wonderful partnership, somehow remaining connected to my friends, making new ones, letting go of stuff the best way I can. Be it textile or person or processed “food,” fuck we are living in Repo Man land and we can’t see it yet. Not enough of us.

So meditating the last couple days on the 100th monkey effect. It is really one of my favorite effects and I’m waiting for critical mass and I feel like I’m starting to see signs that were moving that direction.

It’s what I hope for us as those who were given stewardship of this Eden and who have failed miserably at it. But I am hoping that resistance is not futile, we are not The Borg.

So I sit here and eat my yogurt and see how a woman I know, who literally saved my life while providing a year of medical benefits that I earned simply by being me, by being loved by another, by being a valuable employee in a company who values themselves and has ethics. You save one life, you save the world. That gift radiates out into infinity and changes everything and everyone it touches. I’m waiting for the 100th or one millionth monkey effect. For us all to suddenly, unexpectedly, and apparently unconnectedly, start doing it too, washing our fruit so it’s pure when it goes in bodies.

And I smile. Because these are VERY interesting times to me. I’m so super happy except for those moments when I’m really not but they are brief, I look at them, I don’t run and I’m starting to feel well. Challenges are only that and I know what I’m in when I’m in it and so I don’t struggle so hard any more. And yes, the lady In the green pharmacy wasn’t kidding. Half a toke is plenty. I don’t really enjoy the stoned feeling, really, this is bit much this morning, but I’m relaxed and resting because of it and my body needs that. It is a gift. I just need to be watchful. And still get the laundry done.

Better get off the bed for a spurt of energy. It needs to move more too. But I’m doing better and did I say? I’m mostly happy