I will need to learn a lot?

Yeesh, and so it begins.  I’ve got another doozy of a boss.  The only difference between her and the worst boss I ever had is that she is willing to look at her part.  But not until after she’s ripped me to shreds. Which she’s been doing since my second week on the job.  Very hard to please.  Has insulted me six ways to Sunday and has threatened to fire me, hmmm 6 times?  Some more pointedly worded than others.  *sigh*

The lesson here is two fold.

1. I needed to know that after The Worst Boss Evar that I wouldn’t own their behavior as a shortcoming of mine.  Check
2. I needed to learn how to stay sane and calm.  Working on it.

Yes.  I’m still looking for work.  Turns out there is no plan to make me 100% even though that was what was offered to me in the beginning.  Then she cut the hours and the salary. I got the salary raised but not the hours.  My needs are met but that is it. No paying back the debt, no moving into my own place.  There are many reasons to continue looking for work.

Tuesday she made me cry for the third time in 4 days. In private thank the Goddess.  Thursday she said “it wasn’t until Tuesday that I started to care about you.”  And you know what I didn’t say?  I knew you didn’t care for me.  And your caring about me now is too little too late.

Jeebus but working out this work karma is a bitch.

• I’ve worked a 4th step on work.
• I’ve started counseling to deal with the rage the spills out when I’m treated with contempt, disrespect.
• I just found out that benefits have changed and that I can no longer afford the counseling.
• I’m working on way around this.
• I’m doing all I can to look at my part, see where I can improve, and get the hell out of there.

I’m exhausted, sad, beat up, the lessons they keep on a coming.  I did an inventory on the losses of this year and it’s kind of staggering.  Nothing like Haiti and I try not to feel like a whiner.  Pain is pain.  There are degrees and I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, a car that runs great, loving family and friends, food to eat, water to drink, a safe place to sleep with my beloved Kitty Mitty.

The inventory

• Lost my beloved cottage in the woods
• Moved – in with a friend
• Moved again- in with my parents
• Dad has alzheimers
• No income for 14 months.  None
• Parking my car all over the neighborhood to avoid repossession until a job came.  Hallelujah! it worked.
• Lost a good friend through her inability to live in the real world which cost me a living and said beloved cottage in the woods
• Initiation
• New job
• Suicide of ex-husband  (yes they put him in the ground some time ago, but the discovery made time disappear)

It’s been an intense year.  Drinking and drugging were never an option.  But checking out sure sounded good some days.

My fibromyalgia is back.  The job has tipped the scales.  I hurt all over. I’m tired. I’m not thinking as clearly as I need to to do my job well (she’s right about that).  I’m giving the job all my attention right now and come home just pooped. Which is okay, I can do that.  I’m doing all I can not to relapse back onto food.  I’ve lost 13 pounds since Thanksgiving.  I know right now I need to relieve that stress so I’m allowing myself to eat a maintenance amount of carbs instead of a losing amount just to be kind and take that one pressure off.   There is time to lose the last 13 later when I’m more in tune.

I hate to complain, Goddess knows I’ve done enough of it this year.  Jeesh.

This too shall pass.   I try to stay positive but god damn, I’m so over the challenges.  It’s been 10 years of challenges. I’m really over it.

Honey years. Honey years.  Honey years.