Author Archives: Cynthia

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About Cynthia

I am a textile artist, embroiderer, wood burner, costumer, painter, and weaver who sees magic and change in the chain stitch and a well done Palestrina knot. I wish I had more control over the ways of the human world but alas, all I can control are my actions and my attitude in life and the consistency of my stitches. And sometimes even that doesn’t pan out as hoped and I must rip rip rip.

Bitch Be Gone and Negativity Vortex

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Wait a minute, I did do something positive this weekend.

I made a new powder for my office. Recently I did some Internet surfing and found some recipes that I liked. One, a pretty little potpourri, spoke to me.

You can find it at Dancing Down the Moon. Bitch Be Gone. I made it up last night with a few substitutions. Instead of catnip I used St John’s Wort, instead of chamomile I used some of Leon’s Stress Relief tea which has chamomile in it and a few other good things, jasmine instead of honeysuckle oil. I also added my personal protection powder (blended by myself) and some Hecate oil (blended by Leon).

This isn’t about making someone else, a bitch, be gone but about making my own bitch be gone. Bring myself some peace after a stressful interaction. Some protection during and after a challenging altercation with The Village Idiot. Continue reading →

Breathe

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I spent the weekend pretty depressed. And in a total fibromyalgia fog. I would not have gone to metalsmithing class if it hadn’t been rivets and closures. My body ached something fierce, I was exhausted. One thing I hate about the fibromyalgia is that when it hits and I wake up in the morning, I feel hungover. Just absolutely hungover. And as one might guess, this is pretty hard to take if one is a recovering alcoholic. Headaches, body aches, brain fuzzy and not functioning in a reasoning kind of way, do not ask me to make any decisions, incapable at times.

I know this is the yuck before the sunshine. But I really hate feeling like this. I’m not sure what I should be doing. I needed a talk with God’s Rottweiler. He helped me get some clarity on what is going on with the two director’s and how I can approach the situation(s). I do feel better. He suggests I give it at least 6 months before I see any evidence of improvement. I said I didn’t need it fixed, I just needed to see that The Village Idiot was taking some personal responsibility for his behavior and failure to do the job he was hired to do. If he shows that he’s trying, I’ll give him all the support I can. We agreed that it was asking a lot.
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There’s always hope sil vous plait

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Oh. My. God/dess. Challenges, daily challenges. Regular readers know of which I speak. The Boss. Hmmm. I need a snazzy nickname for him. Similar to God’s Rottweiler.

  • Shithead
  • lizard breath
  • Dorkweasel
  • ICODC (Intellectually Challenged One Deserving Compassion)
  • Voice of Doom
  • Village Idiot

Your vote counts!

I’ve spoken with my parents about my Plan B. They were very supportive, liked my full plan, and told me of the day they both came home to tell each other they’d quit their jobs. hahahahaha. I needed that. Bad.

Plan A is to stick this out as long as possible and get them to pay for some new schooling. Talk to VI’s boss when she returns from Europe in a week and see if he is explaining things the way she intended (because he’s extremely bad at playing telegraph, he can’t pass on what he’s incapable of understanding).

Plan B from Outer Space

I quit as soon as current project is complete (I really do care about my clients), get my retirement money, get temporary and freelance webwork to keep from having to spend too much of my RM, and go back to school in the fall taking the same courses I want my current employer to pay for but be able to finish in shorter time instead of one class per quarter.

Then get back on with this employer in a different department and a new capacity.

I’ve sent out all the emails I need to send to help me decide on Plan A or B. I wait and hope he’ll swing soon.

Part of me is really intrigued with Plan B. I would get time off in between jobs and get a much better salary. Part of me would be scared not to have the security to pay my rent and car. Part of me worries about medical benefits.

ALL of me doesn’t want to work with asshats who micromanage me. I am not living in faith that this will take care of itself and that I will have victory. I might get more faith after I talk to the big kahuna. Yes, that might help a lot. Right now, I’m operating with not enough information. so can’t decide on which plan until then.

11 more days….

Community

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In her guest post on The Wild Hunt, T. Thorn Coyle asks:

What does community mean to you? Is it a place of magic? A gathering of like-minded people with a single goal? A place to get taken care of? A place to belong? Singing and drumming around the fire? Doing good work with others?

And I was surprised to see how my first attempt to answer this was YES! And then immediately afterwards I felt incredibly sad.

I have tried for years to find a pagan community that had staying power. I have found small groups, large groups, have made some life long friends, none I see often. My life, as my practice, is fairly solitary. I have not found that YES yet.

At first it would start out that way but something would happen, someone would get angry, someone would leave, we would loose the place. Very little good works for others.

I don’t know if it’s my alcoholism that makes this true for me but I’ve never felt as though I belonged. Never. Not even in the 12 step group where everyone talks about Our Tribe as though it is unique. I have many tribes. Sober tribes, witchy tribes, artistic tribes. But I have always felt like Oliver Twist looking through the window at the feast he can’t participate in. Why is that?

Am I too aloof? Too shy? Too arrogant? Too frightened? Is it me?

Or is it a dream that doesn’t exist yet?

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