er Joyous and dark and deep Samhain…

Artist unknown

I got the crud. I went in to the office yesterday because I wasn’t fully prepared to work from home. Got things in order and went to my boss to say, I’m going to work from home, and she was all, ack get out of here! work from home. And the policy of “If You Have A Cold or The Flu Don’t Come Here, Work From Home” was born. Love my job. Working from home when sick is so civilized. I can get a nap at lunchtime in my own bed, go make tea or soup, plod around in my slippers, fake it til I make it.

But nothing will keep me from my plans tonight. I am going to a book signing with Duff McKagan. Our ships passed in the night back in the late 70’s early 80’s but we knew all the same people, both here and in LA. He played in many local bands until going to LA where he famously started up the band Guns N’ Roses. He’s back in Seattle and sober and has a great story to tell. Read his book voraciously and am taking it tonight to get it signed and shake his hand. Mr. Furnace is going with me. Mr Furnace was the founder of Seattle’s famous Gorilla Gardens but left just before GN’R came to play their first gig outside LA. For the same reason that they thought it might be nice to burn the place to the ground. All kinds of connections.

Anyway, I’m going to try not to go all blank and stupid and talk to the guy. Kind of feel all fan girl at the moment… Jeez.

And just because I’m into it this year…. A little early cauldron of transformation beauty.

I am finding that I am changing. I am not grasping so tightly as us crabs are wont to do. And it is making a difference. I decided to let this situation find it’s own end in it’s own way. And it has. That gal has shown her colors, she has been showing them, but Mr. F finally let me in to his house and after I said what I saw, he opened his eyes. She is gone, it is over, I stayed by him and am here to help as he faces his own truths.

Oh happy day…

The afghan is moving along, most of the squares are done and ends sewn in. The slipcovers for the sofa cushions are cut out. I’m puttering around the house on this, a day off, nesting, making ready for the season of being indoors and being quiet and creative.

I am looking forward to the coming days…

Finally had a meltdown on Tuesday. For well over a year now Mr. Furnace has failed to commit to the relationship. It has been very hard on me to be in love with someone who says they are in a relationship but their behavior is half hearted. Literally.

This summer was one of lies. He wanted to help a friend out. Evidently she has been living on the street, alchoholic. She wanted to clean up her life. He wanted to help. So he became accessible to her constantly. The extent of this I did not know because suddenly I was not welcome at his house and our dates went from Wed and Sat night to Sunday afternoons. In addition to that, there were many things that were sending all of alarm bells. My head and heart were clanging all summer.

As is the nature of lies finally he simply couldn’t keep both things going at once and all was revealed. It got really fucking bad for awhile there. But I did have to look at my part. And the truth is, I’ve been so damaged by relationships in the past I was incapable of letting this one breathe long before this summer. He was certain if I knew he was going to help this friend that I would leave or have a cow so he tried to do it without upsetting the apple cart. Impossible. Especially with someone like me who sees things and knows things and who isn’t bloody stupid.

I wouldn’t have found my own bottom if not for this. I’m grateful that I found out what I needed to about my own damn self and how hard I can be to with. Does it excuse him? No. But seeing as how we both have a part in the cluster fuck that was this summer, well, we are trying to find our way.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I do know that I won’t limp along at 15mph for much longer. I’m hoping that perhaps this crisis of ours has opened our eyes and our hearts just a little bit and that perhaps we will do things differently. My eyes however are wide open now and I will know clearly when it is time for me to go.

So one day at a time. One date at a time. One phone call at a time. And trying not to be harsh and demanding. Moi? Yeah, I know, you knew that but I couldn’t see it. It’s entirely possible I went through this with Mr Furnace because we’ve got something really strong in here. It’s also entirely possible that I went through this with Mr Furnace to prepare myself for the person I’m really supposed to be with.

What IS very interesting is that my creativity came back after the explosion. I’m almost done with the squares for the afghan, the anniversary banner for my brother is cooking along and the other night I couldn’t sleep because I was designing in the dark again. So that is a great thing and makes me quite happy.

After a couple weeks of talking and revelation and personal inventories breathing is happening again.  Sleep is happening again. Eating is happening again.

As offensive as lying is, I am no one to judge another based on their fear.  I give everyone a second chance unless there are genitals involved, which there were not.  So.

Mr. Furnace and I do have the love going on and are trying to trust in that, believe me, we both played a part in how and why things when down the way they did this summer. I can not force the blame on him alone. That is the hardest part I think.  What was my part?  So we are taking it easy, going for low contact that is of a positive and quality nature.  There is hope, more than before.  I feel less damaged today.  But boy do I fluctuate between grief and fear and anger and love.

I move through my days, processing, working, trying to enjoy moments that do come that are good.  More will be revealed to me, to us, perhaps even to you.  Right now, just breathing and trudging the road of happy destiny is enough. I did add a new meeting to my schedule and that is helping greatly. I even made it my new home group and have made a small circle of new women friends, it feels very safe and loving and I need that right now.

I wish I had ART to show you or something witchy but this has been a very long and difficult summer sprinkled with sparkles and not much has gone on.

I’m coming up on the year and a day of leaving my coven and am finally starting to turn my focus back to my spiritual path. It is going to be much shifted from before and yet not.  Interesting as it unfolds.

I have a gigantic pomegranate on my altar.  My mother has given me one every year as soon as they hit the markets, ever since I was probably 8-9.  Many years.  This year she wrote “I LOVE YOU” on it in black sharpie.  It feels like a message from the Lord and Lady sitting on my altar. A reminder that no matter what I am loved.

I do have a couple projects I’m working on. I’ve been grateful for the crochet afghan project the last few weeks, it’s something to do that I don’t have to focus on, it practically crochets itself. I can still feel like I’m being productive without too much expense of energy.  I see by the archives that I bought this yarn back in February.  I put it down at some point and it will comfort me in the cold months to come.

I’ve made a lot of squares that are solid colors and some that are only two colors. I’ve got enough to put it all together but have enough yarn to make two more rows of 7 for a total of 7 x 9 squares. Cozy.

I do have a couple projects on the back burner. An anniversary wall hanging for my brother and his wife celebrating their 10 year anniversary for one thing. It won’t get done before Yule but that’s okay.

One day at a time in the moment.