Jeshua: Beloved one, I greet you in joy. How are you in this evening?

Cynthia: I’m better, thank you. Two things. I’ve been very eager to get here tonight, because I understood you had something you wanted to say to me, and I also have a very specific question, so I’m hoping there’s enough time for both.

Jeshua: Yes, there is, because already, as you have discerned from this evening’s message, in and around all of the message has been what I wanted to say to you, so that part has been covered.

Cynthia: Somehow I knew you’d say that (Very good, we are on the same page) So my specific question is, I feel…I had to really work on trust issues in relationships with men when I got sober, and I spent many years being single and alone doing that and realizing that it was more about who I was selecting as much as about whether or not I could or couldn’t trust. So I really saw that I had a part in that. And so a little while ago I decided that I was ready and willing to trust again, and I feel like all that work has just been smashed like a glass window, and I know that I need to…I so don’t want to wait eight more years, you know, to get there again (Right) so what are the things I can do to…it’s not so much about trusting somebody else, but to trust my judgment and to know that I can trust myself.

Jeshua: There, you have just said it. It is not so much about trusting another person, because people will come and people will go. You have seen this. And it really has nothing to do with you personally. They make their own choices because of previous experience or according to what they feel is their nature, and that again is based on previous experience. And it truly has nothing to do with you personally, so there is not a judgment of you.

There is nothing lacking in you; nothing that you have done wrong; nothing that you could have done differently. You just come into contact with various ones and you play with them for awhile. It is the same as when you were in what you call the school, and you played with certain playmates for awhile, and then perhaps you went off into another grouping and you played with them for awhile, and you just are still doing that as you have grown a bit taller; you play with different ones at different times. And there is no judgment in moving to another group of friends or leaving; there is no judgment at all in it.

As to the eight years, no. You have learned, as you understand learning, very much in the past few months, and so you are ready now to move into another relationship that is truly just around the corner for you, where you are going to move in again with a bit of trepidation, because you don’t want to take your heart in your hands and put it out there and have somebody stomp all over it. Well, that’s a normal human feeling, of course. But you are moving…you have already come almost to the place of closing the door or turning the last page on that chapter.

There is still friendship; always will be friendship and respect there for you and for the other one. But that chapter is pretty much coming…you’ve got about maybe this much space; not much; it’s closing, that chapter. But as one chapter closes, another chapter opens. It is the same as you have a book. You turn a page and you’re into a new chapter. You are on the threshold of moving into this new chapter that holds a relationship in it that is going to be very nurturing, very sustaining, and where you are going to find that you can trust yourself and your judgment. You are going to trust yourself, because it is yourself. The others come and go, but this one that you’re moving into now is going to be more what you call, in the human terms, reliable.

And yet there are going to be times when you are going to question, because that is the way human nature is with any relationship. There are going to be times when you are going to have to do what is called the communication. That’s good, and it is okay. But you have come through this previous experience in order to know the gifting of it, and you have come away with many gifts from it. You are now much more clear about yourself, about what you want in a relationship, and as you have been doing some of that defining, you have also been envisioning what this new chapter is going to hold for you.

So you can allow the heart to feel open. You can allow the self to breathe and to know that truly you are loved. You have never lost anything, but you have gained much experience. And you have gained a great opportunity to stand in the place of love right now and say to any of the ones that you’ve had relationship with, “I love you. You cannot keep me from loving you,” because they can’t keep you from loving them, “but I understand the wisdom now of moving on. And so I thank you for that. It’s been a bit rough, you know. I felt like I really got scoured with the scouring, abrasive powder, and I felt like I got trampled on from time to time. But I see it in a different light now, and I see that truly there is nothing and no one who can keep me from loving you. I do love you. But that does not mean I have to have you in my life. I’m ready to move on.” So you are free.

Cynthia: Yeah, thank you. And just a little side question. This face keeps popping up into my mind the last few days, and I’m wondering it that’s an accurate vision of what I should be expecting to be arriving.

Jeshua: It’ll be something like that (Oh, nice!) Good looking? (Yes. Thank you) You are welcome.

After I opened this blog several of my friends on LiveJournal cried out that they couldn’t friend this blog so they would never read it. Sorry for the inconvenience. But I knuckled under because it was so very important that I be read. So I kept journaling in my LJ blog. Today all that changes.

Many things and many people have flown out of my life this past year. Or my relationships with them have changed. One of the reasons I opened this blog was to get away from some of those people and afford myself some more privacy. I kept the LJ open to the public. This blog is public. And some friends have been notified of its existence. But I don’t intend to friend folks and I don’t intend to censor myself. But I don’t intend to be easily found either.

This journal is for me to process my feelings about my life. And today begins a new chapter. YAY!

Every so often I go do something most folks I know think is at the least silly and at the worst down right stupid or dangerous. Ha! The days of picking up strange men when I’m drunk are over, have no fear. I’m talking about channeling. I know a woman who channels Jeshua ben Joseph, or Jesus. A friend took me to this monthly event and I was beyond skeptical. I thought he was a rube but I liked him so I went. And I believe that is exactly what is happening. I believe that is exactly who is speaking through her. I have been going sporadically ever since. At the end of each teaching there is a Q&A which is extra cool. Everyone there gets to ask a question (there are rarely more than 20-25 people there, usually less than 20. And I went this past Saturday.

When it came my turn I asked about trust. How was I to get back to a place where I could trust myself to pick people to have in my life. An important love relationship recently ended and I felt that my ability to trust had been compromised. See, I had thought when I began the relationship that he was the type of person who would never act in certain ways. And it turned out, due to his own progress through his own life that he became a different type of person. And I didn’t change my beliefs about him. At least not in time to stop the mayhem. I suddenly felt that I had lost all the work I’d done on trust issues. So my question was mostly about how to regain my ability to trust without having to spend 8 years of personal work to do it like last time.

I’m waiting for the typed transcripts but I did buy a tape of the session and have listened to it a few times since Saturday. Basically Jeshua said that I could indeed trust myself to know when a person was trustworthy. That I would know and that I could trust that. He also said that I would get the opportunity to see that very soon. That a new relationship is coming into my life soon. That this new relationship would nurture me and sustain me. So I’m going to trust that.

I feel in this strange place in my life. A place where everything is going to be new. With the exception of family and my sobriety support group, all of my close connections have ended this past year. I have yet to find a new best friend although possibilities are arising. I have yet to find a new lover/partner. And while there is a teeeeny part of me that gets nervous when I say that (what if I’m alone forever and ever???), for the most part I am very eager to see what develops. Because something always develops if you open yourself up to that.

Every card reading I have done has said lots of new, good stuff this spring. Every person I know who listens to signs and feels connected to the energy that is All say lots of new, good things are coming this spring. And spring is springing in my neck of the woods. Daffodils are 4″ above the mulch, pink blossoms, hellebore, many robins, and on Sunday? A hummingbird feeding off the rosemary blossoms in my yard.

I’ve decided that this chapter of my life completely over. I’m moving on to something new and different. It’s been fun and it’s been real but it hasn’t been real fun. *laugh* And old cynicism from my using days… This journal is closing.

May your days be full of joy.

A chapter of my life has closed. Many things left my life last year. Many people left my life last year. It is time for me to start a new journal to begin this new chapter of my life.

This is a filter friends only post. While I do not mind if random strangers read my journal, there were people I knew who have found this journal who I do not wish to know my business or my feelings.

I have had an account on wordpress since last spring and have decided to start using that journal now. I know this is inconvenient for those of you on LJ but I can’t help that. This is my journal for the purpose of processing my life and I need to start anew. The new journal is public however and I am going to give you the URL so that you can check in if you like. It just won’t show up in your LJ friends blogroll.

I will continue reading my LJ friends list and commenting so keep me on!

http://beweaver.wordpress.com/ this is where you can find me.