I Can’t Drive 55

Posted on June 30, 2014 by Cynthia

Oh wait. Yes I can.

So, I’m turning 55 this coming Friday and it’s been on my mind. It feels like a massive turning point, way more than 50 did. Don’t know why, but it’s interesting to let the thoughts and feelings about it flit in and out. I notice but don’t dwell. My spirit doesn’t feel 55. My body feels like Methuselah but with love, care, and attention I’m moving backwards to a younger me. Feeling blessed. Feeling tired. Loving the long summer we’re having and so far all of it before my birthday which almost never happens. Summer doesn’t usually start in the Pacific Northwest until July 5th. It is our corny joke.

Feeling grateful and yet still releasing some grief stuff. It hits me Sunday afternoons, probably because I’m rested up after a week of working hard and finally have had enough down time that I let down my defenses… And have a good cry and a nap and then burn wood or sew or do some more nothing. And I can read books again. Challenging books! I haven’t been able to really read in over a year thanks to chemo. I’m serious. My ability to read, to know the date, to put something on my calendar, to track just about anything disappeared for over a year. Ah. Beloved books.

Looking forward to 4 days off in a row, I really need it. Casey and I are going to see a Talking Heads tribute band on my birthday at the Tractor, dinner with mum the next day. You know you’ve found the man for you when you say you want a canning set for your birthday and he asks if you want water canning or pressure canning. I’m so in love….

I’m very addicted to bluebirds of any type. Bluebirds of happiness. On my tattoo, in my artwork, my earrings, now my curtains. After 8 months (!) in my new home I’m finally making it a home. I was so exhausted when I moved in I didn’t do much to make my house a home. I discovered what a lame ass my landlady is. She should have replaced the carpet and had the bathroom cleaned but she was so greedy to get someone in for her own plans she took advantage of me. A fellow BTW (British Traditional Witch) took advantage of a friend and cancer patient. Yup. Harm none. Whatever witch.

Nothing much got done because I started packing when my third degree radiation burns were in full swing and I was exhausted and in pain and I knew I had to rest because I was starting work 3 weeks later. I got stuff unpacked and the basics made available but no nesting. I’ve been dating Casey now just over 6 months (!) and working 7(!) and am finally nesting. The photos above are the curtains I bought for my 55 birthday present for my bedroom. Expensive? Yes. And on sale too. Cheap eating this week for sure. But they will last the rest of my life. Hand embroidered wool on cotton, they are my dream curtains and I can’t wait for them to arrive. Little by little. A rug is next on the agenda. A nice rug for the bedroom.

Getting ready to purge a few things, add a few things, need to frame a few things.

Going to be teaching some wood burning demos and classes this fall and that’s exciting.

Hoping to get first or second place in a contest at work because it has a generous cash prize, plus making my bonus this month, back full time instead of part time, and the money I’ll get paid for the classes are going to help me pay off some medical bills, nest some more, and provide 4 days at a cabin at Mt. Rainier at the end of September. Plod plod plod as fast as I can, it’s no wonder we sleep most of the weekend.

Work is going well and I’m not breaking down every hour any more. Maybe once a week and that’s HUGE progress. When I get a little down Casey reminds me that I’m really moving forward. He’s such a good soul, such a good heart, good man. He’s so good to me and he can COOK! I know he’s in my life because while I battled cancer I finally discovered my own value, in my own heart, in my own soul. I finally realized I deserved a man like him. And the Universe responded.

So I look at my life right now and I see that I have a lot of love from many directions, a good CAREER, not just a job, a real MAN, a lovely home, and I know that this is my third chance at a good life, the second deadly disease I’ve recovered from, and to many people in other parts of the world I am rich and fortunate and wow, to be a free, white, 55 year old woman with her needs met, well, it’s rare and it’s appreciated and I worked fucking hard for all of it. And I thank my lucky stars every day.

Bless

It’s Been A Long Journey

Posted on June 2, 2014 by Cynthia

It’s been 5 weeks since my last official cancer treatment. 2 weeks since my port was removed and it’s healing nicely. 6 weeks since I said no fucking way to any more Tamoxifen. It was completely ruining my quality of life (severe cognitive dysfunction, severe fatigue, emotional roller coaster from hell crying at my desk at least 2-3 times a week fooling no one, some other dysfunctions that were seriously heartbreaking) and I was ready to throw in the towel after all that hard work.

But life is so different now. I’d rather have a a little less time on this planet of awesome than more time in a barrel of no can do. I’ve been in my new home 7 months and summer is here, the trees are green, I’m going to start taking the bus again this week. Some things aren’t perfect like the occasional lymphedema flare up, but over all things are starting to get HOPEFUL.

Cancer is no gift but I have had well over a year to take a look at my life, my assets and liabilities, financial, relational, emotional, and spiritual, what I want and what I really REALLY don’t want and have grown up a bit. But most importantly I’ve found my way to self love and a level of self valuation that just can’t be beat. I’ve culled some people, places, and things from my life. Made many discoveries in my looooong dark night of the soul and, like Persephone guided out of Hades by the light bringer Hekate, I am back in the land of the living. Yes.

I’ve been dating the most wonderful man I’ve ever known for 5 months and that is no lie, no pie in the sky pipe dream I wish it were true but I’m in denial bullshit, but reality. Words can not express my gratitude for the many gifts that are coming my way. We’ve been friends on one level or another for over 25 years and while I’ve always thought very highly of him the time was only right for both of us NOW. So. Living in the NOW best I can.

I return to full time work Monday, tomorrow, and I’m a little concerned about fatigue and overstimulation without enough reboot time but one day at a time. I’m mostly happy. Mostly hopeful. The journey in pictures… Starting to lose my hair… And chemo SUCKS Same day as above but post chemo I’m getting back to me.

Serenity Corner

Posted on April 5, 2014 by Cynthia

Ok, did that title make you gag almost as much as it did me? But, I have a cunning plan…

So by the time I moved into my new home, I was sick, utterly exhausted, missing my mom, lonely and yet incapable of interaction, and having a, not really a crisis of faith, but a definite transition. I was a mess and am only now feeling like I’m finding some foundation.

So I haven’t set up an altar, because I hadn’t yet heard what was needed. I do still do daily devotions and candles and incense but in a mild way. A week or so ago I saw this cool bed table that folded and had a pop up reading stand, a drawer, and a part that stayed flat even when the reading thing was in use and it got me thinking. The quality wasn’t excellent and it was $50.

After much thought about the best course of action and purchase and frugality, of course, my psychic shopper kicked in and said, Craigslist. The 5th item, a favorite number, was this gorgeous and large red Pottery Barn, all wood, table. The owner, an artsy, interesting and very nice (she hugged me and so did her friend as she didn’t really want to part with it and she was delighted I got it) woman my age, had painted it red and decoupaged a bicycle map of Paris on the top with a bunch of old envelopes with cool stamps and places, all in fountain pen ink. I knew it was mine, we sent about 20 emails and after treatment I went to give her money to hold it (she had received a lot of interest on this item). She was sure I’d never get it in the car if I didn’t bring at least one man. I was determined to manifest it today and not make a second trip. Et voila! She had a tiny friend over helping her move and the two of us got it in my back seat and Casey and I got it in the house. Solid piece and that’s no lie.

She and I sat on the floor and both of us lovingly rubbed our hands over it as she told me the story of how it got to be like that and how many fun times she and her kids made stuff at that table. It’s perfectly distressed.

One drawer was full of candles, it smells like cinnamon, a spice of love, and under all the candles was a big glitter heart. So mine… And yet still hers.

Tomorrow is going to be about taking all my spiritual accoutrement, tools, and goodies out of storage and hiding and seeing what still serves and what goes. I’m so excited. This faces North, my favorite direction. Of course I love north, I’m all water and fire signs, need grounding.

And the three small shelves that have had no home will get installed on the wall on the right. Perfect!! Got the Ryobi battery charging.

I plan on using it for daily devotions, meditation, and journaling. I need something cozy to sit on and have a few ideas.

Any way, yay! $75 and I feel lucky to have it. And I’ll be giving some things away too… wink nudge

Authenticity

Posted on April 5, 2014 by Cynthia

And I need to keep writing….

Pema Chodron: Unconditional Friendship With Yourself

Thank you Erica for the link. I feel this is my path and the true depths that I’ve been able to plumb (?) have been worth the sad heart. But the heart only has a piece of sad, there is also joy and gratitude and still, perhaps, some anger. But it’s all good because it’s all me.

This is why I throw a conniption when someone thinks that I need to change how I feel. Or say I should not share the truth of it “in public.” I would LOVE to go public because no one wants to talk about the icky stuff and it’s killing us. So many feel that they’re “bad” feelings so let’s cheer the sad little gal right the fuck up. Well I don’t happen to WANT to be cheered up in that moment, I want to experience my reality. Or to have my feelings invalidated or to feel anything other than that very very, or as a Greek or two said, Really Real authenticity. I want to finally feel WHOLE. And REAL. And LOVED and LOVING.

I also want to say, “hey, line in the sand you.” Step back. Let me breathe. Let me feel my feelings. Unlike you I can bear the discomfort because I KNOW that getting to the other side is Heaven and Goodness and Relief not Regret. Join me. Say it loud and say it proud. Be YOU. Find YOU. Fuck it. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Indefinitely Going Radio Silent

Posted on March 4, 2014 by Cynthia

Hi Folks,

I’ve been blogging a long time and have uploaded all my posts from all my sites to this site so the whole mess is here in the archives. But for now, for maybe forever, I’m not going to post any more. I’m moving on to my new life and need to keep my energy for other pursuits, including resting.

Please, if you want to stay in touch I post on Facebook a lot under my personal account, including art and cancer updates, so if you want to connect that way, here is the link to my facebook page. Depending on if I know you at least a little, I may or may not accept the friend reqeust, but you never know, I just might. Deerheart? at least get an account for talking with me?

Stitch Witch Cottage

love what you do ~ there's a lot more than stitchin' here