Category Archives: Life at Work

Good News

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Finally all the tests are in.  Not Celiac Disease, not iron deficient. We’re going with Dyspepsia (dyspepsia is a medical condition characterized by chronic or recurrent pain in the upper abdomen, upper abdominal fullness and feeling full earlier than expected when eating. It can be accompanied by bloating, belching, nausea or heartburn).  The Sooper Strength antacids seem to be helping things and I’m going back to eating as few grain based foods as Ican for now, especially ones that contain yeast as that factor really takes things over the top.   My insurance changed so it cost me far more than I expected but it’s still a long shot less than I would have had to pay and I’ve made my deductible already.  *sigh*

Now I have to find a way to pay for Miss Mitty’s teeth cleaning next week. She has terrible plaque, hoping that they don’t have to pull any or many teeth.  They said I should do it this year, last year, but I think I should have done it back then.  She’s lost a pound this year and she was never a large cat (she weighs 6.8 pounds right now, they would like to see 9 or 10) and HER blood lab tests came back with normal for kidney and thyroid so the vet is hoping it is her teeth and that this will help her eat more and put on weight.  But it’s high normal on the kidneys so I have to pay for special hydration during the cleaning.  Yay! *sigh*

He won’t listen that I know she’s lost a pound because she and I used to live together alone in a little “cottage” in the woods where we both were really happy. It was her safe haven after being rescued from whatever hell it was and mine too.  For over a year now, we’ve been in other people’s homes and neither of us is comfortable. She spends a lot of time under my bed and only comes out in the afternoon when I return (and on weekends too, even though I’m home in the morning).  She eats when I’m right there  guarding her and not much other times.  And then she will go back under the bed, let out an awful yowl and then nothing until I go to bed and she hops up by my pillow.  A good night is when she stays out and hangs with me as I sew or read.

I’ve got a slew of resumes out for some very good jobs at the UW, none of which have anything to do with reading a professors emails all day and managing their calendars.  It’s herding cats, what job isn’t, but it’s a different kind of cat.  I’m also certain that working in a psych clinic that deals with very extreme cases is accumlating energy so working on somethings that will help keep at least my office clear.  Mercury and Lakshmi have their places here so that helps.  Mitty and I both need me to get more hours and more pay so that I can save for moving into a place of our own and retirement because that’s all gone.

Working the juju for protection and good fortune in work.  I’m doing better at work, I’ve decided that anything the boss gives me that I can work on I will and I won’t listen to her unkind comments about me as a person.  That’s working and I can stand this because somehow I’ve found detachment.

Breathing again

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I can now say out loud that which I only told my mother and my coven.  I’ve been struggling with stomach pain and stomach area chest and back pain, often quite intense and last week I finally realized it wasn’t a temporary thing to throw Tums at.  I began the round of oh so enjoyable tests to determine if I had either a peptic ulcer, abdominal aortic aneurysm, or cancer.  Those tests a week later came back negative.  *whew* I didn’t realize how stressed I was over this until this morning when the stress was relieved.  My doctor assured me (the nurse practitioner didn’t) that because of my age if I had the aneurysm I would have shown no symptoms and just died suddenly.  Well.  I was actually hoping for ulcer since that is easily treated and the hunt for the problem would be over and it would have been caused by NSAID’s and believe it or not aspartame and caffeine.  But nope, no ulcer.

We are now doing tests for Celiac Disease, dyspepsia, and anemia.  I’m skeptical regarding Celiac because this is a sudden thing, there’s no sudden unexpected weightloss, I am clearly not undernourished but we have to rule everything out that we can.  We’re throwing very strong antacids at it currently until we have more information.  Whatever the cause, we know that while it is exacerbated by stress it is not caused by stress.

I’ve been taken off NSAID’s and diet coke and all other forms of caffeine and aspartame.  *sigh*  I use NSAID’s pretty regularly to treat the fibromyalgia.  I have to switch to Tylenol which I have always considered a very insufficient pain reliever and sometimes a migraine trigger and rebound headache culprit.  I’ve asked to switch to something less addicting than oxycodone to treat the bad pain days as I hate how befuddled it makes me feel.  Which is interesting in itself as I used to love to get goofed on narcotics.  I can’t stand it now.  I love to have a clear mind.  So now muscle relaxants, which also befuddle the mind, are the thing we’re trying.  At least I won’t have to worry so much about relapse.

I keep getting asked to do commissions now that I actually have a job. When I had no work friends practically disappeared.  Now that I’m working they are coming out of the woodwork with requests for web sites and large bags and and and.  Which doesn’t half  irritate me frankly. Where were they when I needed them so desperately.  I could really use the money but one thing that 50 has shown me besides the desire to be a freer spirit, is that physically I must be gentle with myself.  No more overdoing it.  Fibromyalgia is my reality and I can’t ignore it any more.  I can still have a life, it’s much better than it was when I was diagnosed 13 years ago, but I still need to remember not to push myself so hard.

My doc is working on getting massage therapy approved for me, which will be somewhat difficult because insurance doesn’t really want to pay for lifelong massage but it would be such a boon for me if this were to happen.  Crossed fingers and candle magic tomorrow.

Why the anemia? I’ve been having periods every three weeks for over a year.  Which has been fun let me tell you because I suffer, depending on the month, from either severe cramps or severe PMS. Cranky hurting beotch every three weeks. Enough to make anyone a bit “whimisical in the brain pan.”  Discovered yesterday that it’s been 4 weeks since my last period.  I’m hoping it will extend a long time but I’ll take every 4 weeks if I must.  That would be a respite at least. But I’m really over this whole Mother thing and in this aspect at least looking forward to being a crone.  I can totally embrace the crone in my life.  It is a freeing time.

Dodging bullets, applying for jobs, finding ways to deal with the frustration of a job that is just beyond ridiculous.  Thankfully folks who’ve known my boss a long time are giving me hints that it isn’t me, that she is a handful, quite challenging actually. Which helps more than you might think.  I’m always so willing to see myself as the culprit. While I do still want to make sure that I don’t lash out at others when I’m highly stressed and I’m making progess I’m happy with, it’s nice to know that it is only my reaction that I need to work on.  That I am not the cause.  My High Priestess says is a big part of the lesson for me these days.  My sponsor says I need to look at my part.  My true spirit tells me that I need to start listening to my High Priestess more, that I need to find balance between my part and my healing.

So, I persevere.  I’m slow on projects as I try to live gently right now. But I do work on them, I do enjoy them, but I also enjoy reading candy books right now.  Love mysteries because there is a problem and a solution and I don’t have to think too hard but there is some fun of trying to figure it out.  They are my complete escape.  I am going to bed earlier than usual.  Need good sleep.  Tea, lavender, aromatherapy, calming music.  Sunday I get a massage from a friend who is known for going more than 2 hours for a one hour session.  No problem there, can hardly wait.

What did he say about 2010

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I will need to learn a lot?

Yeesh, and so it begins.  I’ve got another doozy of a boss.  The only difference between her and the worst boss I ever had is that she is willing to look at her part.  But not until after she’s ripped me to shreds. Which she’s been doing since my second week on the job.  Very hard to please.  Has insulted me six ways to Sunday and has threatened to fire me, hmmm 6 times?  Some more pointedly worded than others.  *sigh*

The lesson here is two fold.

  1. I needed to know that after The Worst Boss Evar that I wouldn’t own their behavior as a shortcoming of mine.  Check
  2. I needed to learn how to stay sane and calm.  Working on it.

Yes.  I’m still looking for work.  Turns out there is no plan to make me 100% even though that was what was offered to me in the beginning.  Then she cut the hours and the salary. I got the salary raised but not the hours.  My needs are met but that is it. No paying back the debt, no moving into my own place.  There are many reasons to continue looking for work.

Tuesday she made me cry for the third time in 4 days. In private thank the Goddess.  Thursday she said “it wasn’t until Tuesday that I started to care about you.”  And you know what I didn’t say?  I knew you didn’t care for me.  And your caring about me now is too little too late.

Jeebus but working out this work karma is a bitch.

  • I’ve worked a 4th step on work.
  • I’ve started counseling to deal with the rage the spills out when I’m treated with contempt, disrespect.
  • I just found out that benefits have changed and that I can no longer afford the counseling.
  • I’m working on way around this.
  • I’m doing all I can to look at my part, see where I can improve, and get the hell out of there.

I’m exhausted, sad, beat up, the lessons they keep on a coming.  I did an inventory on the losses of this year and it’s kind of staggering.  Nothing like Haiti and I try not to feel like a whiner.  Pain is pain.  There are degrees and I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, a car that runs great, loving family and friends, food to eat, water to drink, a safe place to sleep with my beloved Kitty Mitty.

The inventory

  • Lost my beloved cottage in the woods
  • Moved – in with a friend
  • Moved again- in with my parents
  • Dad has alzheimers
  • No income for 14 months.  None
  • Parking my car all over the neighborhood to avoid repossession until a job came.  Hallelujah! it worked.
  • Lost a good friend through her inability to live in the real world which cost me a living and said beloved cottage in the woods
  • Initiation
  • New job
  • Suicide of ex-husband  (yes they put him in the ground some time ago, but the discovery made time disappear)

It’s been an intense year.  Drinking and drugging were never an option.  But checking out sure sounded good some days.

My fibromyalgia is back.  The job has tipped the scales.  I hurt all over. I’m tired. I’m not thinking as clearly as I need to to do my job well (she’s right about that).  I’m giving the job all my attention right now and come home just pooped. Which is okay, I can do that.  I’m doing all I can not to relapse back onto food.  I’ve lost 13 pounds since Thanksgiving.  I know right now I need to relieve that stress so I’m allowing myself to eat a maintenance amount of carbs instead of a losing amount just to be kind and take that one pressure off.   There is time to lose the last 13 later when I’m more in tune.

I hate to complain, Goddess knows I’ve done enough of it this year.  Jeesh.

This too shall pass.   I try to stay positive but god damn, I’m so over the challenges.  It’s been 10 years of challenges. I’m really over it.

Honey years. Honey years.  Honey years.

Gumption

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The other day I deleted a post I wrote about a job here at the university’s museum. HR declined to forward what I thought was an amazing resume and cover letter. I was sad. I really need more hours and a higher salary. And then I remembered that I had to work for the specific college that the museum is in. Which I do. But I also work for another completely unrelated department. And that department keeps overriding all my other appointments. It’s made a total hash of my paydays and it occurred to me that perhaps the reviewer in HR thought I didn’t work for the right department and didn’t even look at my resume. I called her. That is exactly what happened. So she reviewed my application materials and sent it on.

The good thing about this is that there will be a very small applicant pool. No one from outside the one school in the university can apply. There won’t be hundreds. Maybe a dozen or so. This is very good. Automatically puts one on the short list.

This? Is magic. Without the medication mediTAtion that gave me that lightbulb realization, I never would have called them. I was so sad and puzzled and hurt at first. I wondered what the universe was trying to tell me. Was I supposed to stay in a job that is okay but I can’t live on and that is ultimately just crazy making? Was I to wait for a better tech job? (that might still be case only time will answer that question)

The lesson today is that one must not give up. One must try to clear one’s mind and see further than one’s own disappointment for possibilities outside of one’s usual borders. I can’t see the whole picture if I shut down.

Blessed Be.

Credit where Credit is due

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I have the best boss ever. Really and truly. Go to great lengths to make her happy. My dad asked me the other day what it was she did that warranted such praise. It made me pause to realize that it was simply because she says things like Thank You and I Love How You Organize Everything. Wow, a kind and communicative human being. How sad that they are so rare in overseers that it’s something to be grateful for. But grateful I am.

Then I recalled our meeting that morning. We receive several letters and phone calls every day from people with desperate stories about loved ones dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder and suicide. The stories are truly heartbreaking. I found several my first week that were several months old. And when MML and I went over them her distress at how these had fallen through my predessors fingers, how late we were, and how much she wanted to help them, really touched my heart.

The Worst Boss I Ever Had worked with and did research on the disabled. His own son was terribly physically disabled. The day he found out I had fibromyalgia he said to me that if he had known that when he interviewed me he never would have hired me. It was that statement that I believe sealed his fate when I filed a claim with the state for benefits based on a hostile work enviornment.

To be working with such a wonderful and truly caring indivdual is so welcome.