Breathe Again Part 3

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Doc agrees, time to start a blood pressure med.  Since neither of our machines can be trusted I’m to go to Bartell’s or RiteAid once a week and take my blood pressure and send her the results in a month. Another mild diuretic to add to the two I’m already taking.  Water Water everywhere and the bathroom is my new best friend.  *sigh*

Pap normal.  Thank the Goddess.

Celia results still pending.

Iron deficiency due to a period every 3 weeks.  But now it’s been 4 weeks and no tenderness, no cramping, no crazy, oh please make this dry spell last a long time.  So another blood test at my convenience to test iron specifically.  Supposed to eat bananas, which I seriously, truly detest, so going to try taking potassium supplements.

Bloody Machines

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Because I live with my parents, it might not be a surprise that we have a blood pressure machine.  In fact, we have 4 blood pressure machines.  My dad looses something, can’t find it, goes and buys another one.  I know. We live in a world of kinda crazy half the time.  He must have 10 pairs of reading glasses and we found 6 flashlights. It’s why we cut him off, some of his excesses were much more costly than $15 or $50.  The details of aging, of hypochondria, fear, health paranoia runs rampant in this household.

I got a blood pressure reading 30 minutes ago that was 180/111 using one of their machines.  Which is a danger sign, serious danger sign.  Call your doctor or 911 now!!  So I did.  In tears.  I can’t take this, what am I to do. And then it occurs to me.  Try another machine.  Even though they said to wait 30 minutes after relaxing and take it again, I took it right away. It would tell me if it was the machine.

155/99

It’s the machine.

MUCH better.  High, we might have to do something, but not immediately life threatening.  Jeeeeeeezuz.  The other machine has been giving me faulty readings and for four days I was flabbergasted that my system was in such bad shape.  Since high blood pressure is a silent killer, there are no symptoms, I was pretty worried.  I almost didn’t go to work this morning I was so upset.  The only way to know if you have high blood pressure is to put on the cuff and get a reading.

Thank you Lady for the frustration and the freakout with gave the lightbulb moment and the insight to try another machine.  I’ve suggested to my mom that we dispose of the other one.  That is the Scare-O-Meter.

Going to take a long hot bath now that I know it won’t kill me dead.

Imbolc

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How are EWE?

As in all things, I’m going to persevere, I’m going to be well, I am well already. The better job with happy people is coming. The place where I can rest and yet work is almost here.

She approacheth.

There are three little crocii poking their heads up in our garden and some of the wild cherry is blooming already. The coven Imbolc circle is Wednesday.

Tonight I go home to bathe and relax and welcome in the spring with candle light and incense, soft robes, warm blankets, soft lights, perhaps a stitch or two. And a cup of tea, always tea.

This year is the beginning of the Honey Years and it’s only right that now, at Imbolc, I shall arise as the Goddess and bless myself, nurture and help myself grow, feed myself, and bathe myself. This year is all about me. It is about working on my food addictions, my free and happy self, my physical movement. My wings are unfolding, I can breathe, my heart is joyous and easy.

Health! Healing! Abundance! Wealth! Joy! Freedom! Love!

So Mote It  Be.

Breathing Again Part II

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I had a very long massage yesterday, easily 90 minutes.  It was so wonderful and given by a member of my spiritual community so it was extra special.

On Saturday I went to a knitting circle that was a very good time.  Got some time in with a friend of mine from the old days. She and I both made a decision that we don’t want the time to go by and lose touch again.  This actually came up in a conversation, that we had both done this regarding the other. We want to be friends.  She is a breath of fresh air, very good for me.  For example, we were talking about how dissatisfying photos of us are, we always look weird and she said, “Beauty this amazing can not be captured on film.”  Breath of fresh air.

Which I need.  In addition to the unexplained stomach, which I think is NOT Celiac Disease after the test results I saw this morning and it doesn’t look like I’m anemic either, I have high blood pressure. VERY high blood pressure.  My BP has been good my whole life and then suddenly it wasn’t.  I’ve been checking it twice a day per doctor so we can monitor it and it’s got me all nervous.   STRESS.  I’m hoping my doc will put me on medication this week so that I can at least breath easier because breathing isn’t easy right now.  I am certain that stress is harming me physically.

I know that my nervousness can make it higher but the fact is that it’s high.  In the 170’s in the morning.  I have been able to get it as low as 145 but most times it’s in the 150 and 160’s.  NOT. GOOD.  180 or higher is an immediate call to 9-1-1.

I go to work, I go home, I crash.  I feel like I’m falling apart.

I need to get walking and I’m so tired.  I need to continue my good eating regime.  I need to get good sleep (I’m doing that).  I need to stop all activities for other folks for the time being, which I’ve done but it’s amazing how many think that I’m not talking about THEM.  Jeesh. But I did that.  Just keep saying no.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Breathing again

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I can now say out loud that which I only told my mother and my coven.  I’ve been struggling with stomach pain and stomach area chest and back pain, often quite intense and last week I finally realized it wasn’t a temporary thing to throw Tums at.  I began the round of oh so enjoyable tests to determine if I had either a peptic ulcer, abdominal aortic aneurysm, or cancer.  Those tests a week later came back negative.  *whew* I didn’t realize how stressed I was over this until this morning when the stress was relieved.  My doctor assured me (the nurse practitioner didn’t) that because of my age if I had the aneurysm I would have shown no symptoms and just died suddenly.  Well.  I was actually hoping for ulcer since that is easily treated and the hunt for the problem would be over and it would have been caused by NSAID’s and believe it or not aspartame and caffeine.  But nope, no ulcer.

We are now doing tests for Celiac Disease, dyspepsia, and anemia.  I’m skeptical regarding Celiac because this is a sudden thing, there’s no sudden unexpected weightloss, I am clearly not undernourished but we have to rule everything out that we can.  We’re throwing very strong antacids at it currently until we have more information.  Whatever the cause, we know that while it is exacerbated by stress it is not caused by stress.

I’ve been taken off NSAID’s and diet coke and all other forms of caffeine and aspartame.  *sigh*  I use NSAID’s pretty regularly to treat the fibromyalgia.  I have to switch to Tylenol which I have always considered a very insufficient pain reliever and sometimes a migraine trigger and rebound headache culprit.  I’ve asked to switch to something less addicting than oxycodone to treat the bad pain days as I hate how befuddled it makes me feel.  Which is interesting in itself as I used to love to get goofed on narcotics.  I can’t stand it now.  I love to have a clear mind.  So now muscle relaxants, which also befuddle the mind, are the thing we’re trying.  At least I won’t have to worry so much about relapse.

I keep getting asked to do commissions now that I actually have a job. When I had no work friends practically disappeared.  Now that I’m working they are coming out of the woodwork with requests for web sites and large bags and and and.  Which doesn’t half  irritate me frankly. Where were they when I needed them so desperately.  I could really use the money but one thing that 50 has shown me besides the desire to be a freer spirit, is that physically I must be gentle with myself.  No more overdoing it.  Fibromyalgia is my reality and I can’t ignore it any more.  I can still have a life, it’s much better than it was when I was diagnosed 13 years ago, but I still need to remember not to push myself so hard.

My doc is working on getting massage therapy approved for me, which will be somewhat difficult because insurance doesn’t really want to pay for lifelong massage but it would be such a boon for me if this were to happen.  Crossed fingers and candle magic tomorrow.

Why the anemia? I’ve been having periods every three weeks for over a year.  Which has been fun let me tell you because I suffer, depending on the month, from either severe cramps or severe PMS. Cranky hurting beotch every three weeks. Enough to make anyone a bit “whimisical in the brain pan.”  Discovered yesterday that it’s been 4 weeks since my last period.  I’m hoping it will extend a long time but I’ll take every 4 weeks if I must.  That would be a respite at least. But I’m really over this whole Mother thing and in this aspect at least looking forward to being a crone.  I can totally embrace the crone in my life.  It is a freeing time.

Dodging bullets, applying for jobs, finding ways to deal with the frustration of a job that is just beyond ridiculous.  Thankfully folks who’ve known my boss a long time are giving me hints that it isn’t me, that she is a handful, quite challenging actually. Which helps more than you might think.  I’m always so willing to see myself as the culprit. While I do still want to make sure that I don’t lash out at others when I’m highly stressed and I’m making progess I’m happy with, it’s nice to know that it is only my reaction that I need to work on.  That I am not the cause.  My High Priestess says is a big part of the lesson for me these days.  My sponsor says I need to look at my part.  My true spirit tells me that I need to start listening to my High Priestess more, that I need to find balance between my part and my healing.

So, I persevere.  I’m slow on projects as I try to live gently right now. But I do work on them, I do enjoy them, but I also enjoy reading candy books right now.  Love mysteries because there is a problem and a solution and I don’t have to think too hard but there is some fun of trying to figure it out.  They are my complete escape.  I am going to bed earlier than usual.  Need good sleep.  Tea, lavender, aromatherapy, calming music.  Sunday I get a massage from a friend who is known for going more than 2 hours for a one hour session.  No problem there, can hardly wait.